Ah, the unholy trinity that is sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll. While all credit for coining the phrase must go to Ian Dury with his 1977 masterpiece Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll (obviously), it’s fair to say that ever since the first unwashed oik picked up a guitar and stumbled across a couple of chords they’ve chosen at least one of these subjects for their lyrics. As such, it’s impossible to compile the definitive top ten, but today, in the first of our three-part feature, we’ll take a peek under the sheets at some of the best tunes about horizontal dancing. It’s worth bearing in mind that sexy is entirely subjective.
AC/DC – Whole Lotta Rosie
From the oh-so-subtle Giving The Dog A Bone to Go Down and Squealer there are all number of choices when it comes to picking an AC/DC tune about making the beast with two backs, but who can resist a little Rosie? Or indeed a Whole Lotta Rosie, perhaps the ultimate ode to the larger lady. Originally weighing in at nineteen stone, with measurements of 42-39-56, Rosie is now inflatable and takes up most of the stage!
Motörhead – Fast And Loose
It’s no secret that the legendary Lemmy Kilmister was a hopeless romantic at heart, it’s just that – having slept with over 1000 women – he had a very big heart. Fast And Loose from the eternally brilliant Ace Of Spades album finds the old rascal turning up announced at two o’clock in the morning wired on amphetamines. “I’ll wake you up, but stay in bed/Don’t get up, get down instead,” he suggests. And who said romance was dead?
Nine Inch Nails – Closer
A go-to tune for strippers worldwide, Closer is arguably Nine Inch Nails’ best-known song and inarguably their most sexually explicit. Frontman Trent Reznor apparently claims that the lyrics are about obsession and self-hatred, but it’s not difficult to see how lines like, “I wanna fuck you like an animal/I wanna feel you from the inside” might be misinterpreted. The fact that the video featured Reznor chained to the ceiling in leather gloves and a blindfold probably didn’t help.
Lords Of Acid – Scrood Bi U
With a back catalogue that includes Rough Sex, (Show Me Your) Pussy and Sit On Your Face, Belgian/American techno-industrialist pervs Lords Of Acid are not exactly shy about their fondness of all things kinky. Arguably their most rocking tune, Scrood Bi U from the Farstucker album of 2000 is another example of why, if you take your significant other(s) to see this band, you will end up very sticky. Fucking excellent. And, indeed, vice versa.
Monster Magnet – She Digs That Hole
Whether they’re singing about living planets or skiving off work, space rockers Monster Magnet have always knows how to bring the sexy. This reworking of Dig That Hole from Monster Magnet’s Mastermind album of 2010 concerns a lady by the name of Cobra, and while the hole that she digs is never specified, the line “A little starfish, the perfect way to end my day” suggests that it has nothing to do with gardening.
Rob Zombie – Well, Everybody’s Fucking In A UFO
While there can be no question that Mr Zombie has always made music that is conducive to coitus, there are surprisingly few Zombie songs that are about sex, per se. Except this one, which sounds like a hillbilly version of the Primus classic Wynona’s Big Brown Beaver, and is, as the title suggests, about an orgy on a spaceship. We can only hope that it will be covered by Alien Sex Fiend.
The Stranglers – Bring On The Nubiles
Often accused of sexism, The Stranglers caused moral outrage when they invited about a dozen strippers (male and female) onstage at their Battersea Park gig in 1978 for a now infamous rendition of Nice And Sleazy. But since there’s probably a policy about showing such things here we’ll go, instead, with Bring On The Nubiles, a delightfully filthy ditty from the No More Heroes album that includes the chorus “Let me, let me, fuck you, fuck you” just in case you’d missed the subtleties of ‘turning the tap that drips’.
WASP – Animal (Fuck Like A Beast)
Given that pretty much every song ever written by a big-haired, glam rock band seems to be about bumping uglies, it would be remiss not to include at least one in our line-up. And, frankly, there are none more ugly that this, WASP’s debut single from 1984, which is to the gentle art of seduction what Donald Trump’s hair is to hairdressing. About as sexy as an old man’s nuts; if music be the food of love this is a tin of spam.
Faith No More – Be Aggressive
Far from being some sort of cheerleading anthem, Be Aggressive from Faith No More’s Angel Dust album of 1992, is all about the joys of a good blow job, the line, “You’re the master/And I take it on my knees” being just one of many clues. The words “I swallow”, repeated no less than 12 times, are also a clue.
Revolting Cocks – Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?
There is every possibility that your parents or even grandparents got busy to the Rod Stewart disco hit of 1978, but things might have been rather different of they’d got it on to this Revco cover from 1993, not least because vocalist Chris Connelly demands a dollar so he can “buy a rubber” before giggling that he’s out of KY jelly. Needless to say, those are not the original lyrics, and Mr Stewart did not think to include a bass sound so sleazy that you need a bath after hearing it.