Rick Wakeman's Caped Crusades: Men Can't Help Acting On Impulse

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Would you believe there are several bands out there called Impulse, or derivatives of the word, including a Bulgarian one!

Would you believe there are several bands out there called Impulse, or derivatives of the word, including a Bulgarian one!

“Why is Rick writing this totally unimportant drivel?” I hear you ask.

I haven’t just been honing my Google-fu but I have been inspired by the sheer amount

of stuff we buy on impulse, especially at concerts. I get caught out every single time and end up splashing far too much cash on music and merchandise that I would never normally buy. It’s not just concerts either but pantomimes as well. I have a large collection of fairy wands from Cinderella, plastic swords from Peter Pan, the odd dwarf from Snow White and numerous other assorted things to either blow or wave.

But one of the worst places for impulse buying is undeniably at the motorway service station.

Picture this: you’re waiting in a never-ending queue to buy your petrol. The twat in front has ordered six skinny lattes and an iced doughnut, and the woman at the next pay station has decided to buy her entire weekly groceries there and then. “It’s a fucking petrol station, for heaven’s sake,” you mutter. “Go and do your shopping in a supermarket like the rest of us!”

Anyway, you’re bored so you pick up a few packets of peppermints that adorn the sides like metallic hedgerows and a bunch of wilting flowers for a tenner. Then you grab a multicoloured furry caterpillar that’s on special offer for only £19.99 and this continues until you’re next in line to pay. By this point, all that’s left to peruse are the CDs. And what a wonderful pile of shit there is on offer.

At first glance it doesn’t look too bad. For starters, there’s Tina Turner At Her Best and Just Discovered Classic Rock From The 70s.

Hmm, you think, these look good. So you throw them in your very full basket and proceed to the counter.

“Pump 12 and this lot please.”

“Certainly, sir. That’ll be £53 for the petrol and £84 for the other stuff making a total of £137, please.”

You nearly give yourself a double hernia dragging all your new purchases to the car and then you drive off with some bargain Tina Turner on your CD player.

Except there’s not one recognisable track and even Tina herself doesn’t sound quite right.

The sleeve notes explain that these songs were recorded when she was nine and sang at a brit milah (which is the Jewish ritual of circumcision), in between the actual snipping and the live band. The quality isn’t great, and there’s a worrying amount of screaming in the background as well.

So you remove Tina from the CD player and load Just Discovered Classic Rock From The 70s. Guess what? There’s not one artist you’ve heard of. Ronald Rocker, Wee Willie Testicle, Jellied Scrotum… Truth is, you should have known. They were only £1.99 each.

Just be glad you didn’t buy Rick Wakeman: Live in Cleethorpes. God only knows what that would have been like…