Psst, mate. Want to buy a tusk?

Once upon a time, you could buy T-shirts, posters, badges and patches to show an allegiance to your favourite band. But how things have changed. Since Christmas is but a fortnight away, we thought we’d see what merch is out there for some last-minute gift inspiration.


Why buy your loved ones a Deafheaven T-shirt when you can give them the gift of a… font, featured on their 2013 album Sunbather. Wow, thanks. We don’t know what to say. Apart from, ‘That’s what I’ve always wanted’ through gritted teeth and with a dead-eyed stare. We quite like the blanket, though. It’s like the perfect bridge between Habitat and black metal.

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It makes sense that the Californian trio would make their own chocolate bars after recording their own version of the Charlie And The Chocolate Factory soundtrack. You can get a pack of three treats including a Bastard Bar, Mr. Krinkle, and Professor Nuttbutter. But for $25, we’d expect a meet and greet with Mr. Wonka himself.

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This War Machine Ranger Vest is perfect for that Mushroomhead fan in your life. No? Moving on…

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Every family has at least three AC/DC diehard fans, but chances are they’ll have every T-shirt printed by the band. You could always give them this branded pool cue, then they can, um, sink the pink in style.

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A set of collectible pint glasses for Christmas? Jog on. We’d rather try and drink out of this scary ornament, thanks very much.

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You can get pretty much anything with Metallica’s logo on it, but thankfully they’ve stopped short of Kiss-style coffins and urns. How about this devil mask, inspired by the Les Edwards’ The Devils of D-Day painting which was used on the Jump In The Fire single? Don’t wear it in a bank or a church or you’ll be either arrested or screamed at.

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What’s louder than a Motörhead gig? Motörhead fireworks. There’s two packs available, starting at £79.99 which is guaranteed to shit your neighbours up if you set them off in the small hours of the morning. Or, if you’re feeling generous, there’s a bells and whistles set which will set you back by £124.99. Bells and whistles are not included. We just meant there’s loads more in the box.

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Do you like to your upper lip to sweat during mealtimes? Bad Brains’ Fire Burn Babylon Hot Sauce will do the trick and make your mouth feel like the sun. Lovely.

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The Mastodon merch store stocks everything from bikinis and 70’s style running shorts, obviously. What really caught our eye are these drinking tusks. Perfect for when your Viking relatives pop over for a cheeky mead.

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Aussies called these things thongs. We’re not sure skimpy Parkway pants would be a big seller this Christmas, what with all this weather we’re having.

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Simon Young

Born in 1976 in Newcastle-upon-Tyne, Simon Young has been a music journalist for over twenty years. His fanzine, Hit A Guy With Glasses, enjoyed a one-issue run before he secured a job at Kerrang! in 1999. His writing has also appeared in Classic RockMetal HammerProg, and Planet Rock. His first book, So Much For The 30 Year Plan: Therapy? — The Authorised Biography is available via Jawbone Press.