On October 14, 2024, I returned from the studio and opened a letter from the hospital. I was recovering from pneumonia, crapping blood, and I had just finished recording vocals for Tallah's new album, Primeval Obsession//Detachment, which I did in one, non-stop, unedited, album-long take. It was easily the proudest moment of my entire life, and I was still riding that wave…until I opened the letter.
Two months prior, I had asked my doctor for some blood work. The letter said the lab didn't perform one test, so I needed to return. The next afternoon, I tested positive for HIV.
You never think it can happen to you until it does, right? I have always been so careful! I am thirty-four years old and have only had seven sexual partners my whole life - all serious relationships. I never caught any STIs, never partook in hook-ups, one-night-stands, group sex, nothing!
Back in July 2024, I had even asked my now ex-partner to get tested for HIV before seeing me, but he never took that test. I trusted him anyway. In hindsight, I should have asked him to wear a condom, but I was stupid. His female roommate had infected him with the disease back in January 2024, and he had no idea.
The first two weeks after my diagnosis were quite difficult. Existential dread hung over like a thousand angry wasps. I felt so scared and embarrassed and disgusting and disgraced.
Many months before this all occurred, I had written the lyrics to Tallah's new album, but I had done it without a concept in mind. I had wanted it to be more personal, so I wrote everything via stream of consciousness and applied a story to it after-the-fact. Not to be dramatic, but when I look back at these lyrics, I wonder, "Did I predict my future?"
On the album, I wrote things like, "It's already decided. Don't test your fate, because you might hate what you find… It's already transpired. You're just catching up." Things like, "But had I expressed myself, I would probably be a long way from here. A heathen - what I have succumbed to. I am onward and trash-ward again." I do not know why I wrote those things; they just felt right at the time. And now, I cannot help but ponder if something was in the air. Who knows!
Thankfully, it is not the 80s anymore. HIV/AIDS is no longer a death sentence, but there is still so much stigma surrounding it. People need to be more educated on the topic, on what it actually does to the human body.
I think some people feel untouchable because they are heterosexual and happily married, but this virus does not discriminate. All it can takes is your partner cheating on you once, and your entire life gets flipped upside down. Mine sure did.
This last year, I have been going through a lot of mental and spiritual changes. On top of contracting HIV, the medication for it gave me acute kidney damage, and then I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease called ulcerative proctitis. It was one thing after the next! I felt so humbled and defeated, which led to many attitude and behavioural adjustments and tons of inspiring lyrics for my solo project, Hungry Lights.
Since getting my diagnosis, I have only played four live shows. At the time of the first two, I was still waiting for my health insurance to clear, so I was not on medication yet, and every little thing was freaking me out because my immune system was in shambles.
For a while, I was not seeing people as people, as terrible as that sounds. I was seeing them as things that could potentially get me sick and harm me. A mosh pit looked more like a cesspit, because let's be honest, a lot of people do not wash their hands, do not cover their mouths when they cough or sneeze, and when you have a compromised immune system, a crowd of sweaty, heavy-breathing fans is nightmare fuel. To an extent, I still feel that way, but I am a frontman, and I have a job to do, so I will need to get over it.
Because of modern medication, HIV has not impacted my physical strength or endurance whatsoever. I have not lost any weight or wasted away. I run every day for my kidney health, and I lift weights at the gym a few times a week to stay strong. With how good today's treatment is, I think natural aging will take me down before this disease does.
That being said, there is still an undetectable level of virus running through my blood, and because my immune system is so responsive, it causes systemic inflammation, which absolutely affects my vocal cords.
Luckily, I have not lost any of my range nor has my voice thinned out, but my false cord screams sound drier now, my fry screams and high notes are tighter, and I lost the ability to whistle scream. At first, it made me sad, but my decisions brought me here, and I gotta live with the consequences. I am thankful I still have at least ninety percent of what I used to have.
To be completely transparent, touring does have me worried. My bands do not play to a click track when we play live, which means there are no vocal backing tracks or anything to hide behind.
Not trying to knock bands who use that stuff; I am just saying I will need to be extra cautious about my vocal health and physical health while on the road, which will definitely disrupt fan interaction. Hopefully, they understand. I am not trying to be a jerk; I am just looking out for my health so I can put on the best possible performances for decades to come. I am sure fans would rather see me with limited interaction than not see me at all.
I intend to continue following my dreams, but I would be lying if I said I was not iffy about pictures and handshakes and whatnot now. My health needs to come first. I just hope people do not think less of me after everything. At the very least, I hope I can set a good example for anyone who looks up to me.
Tallah's new album, Primeval Obsession // Detachment is out now Earache
For more information on living with HIV, head to https://crihealth.org
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