Wednesday 13: The Theories Of A Dead Man


“I got into conspiracy theories after being in the 2011 earthquake/tsunami in Japan. I read theories that it was caused by [US research programme] HAARP, which opened the rabbit hole on everything. For instance, in America, there are like 15 different Bigfoot hunter shows with hillbillies acting ridiculous.

But I’ve read a lot of books and my take on it is that Bigfoot was, or is, humans. There’s a gap in evolution where we went from apes to upright people that can make iPods, and I think Bigfoot is what we used to be before the genetic manipulation that happened.”


“There are so many legends about this place – obviously it’s a real place – but there are stories about underground tunnel systems so people who work there can travel on top-secret trains. There’s talk about a place inside Area 51 called The Cage where they supposedly mutate and work on different species, which sounds like The Island Of Doctor Moreau, bizarre stuff.

If you were a scientist in Area 51 and you thought about splicing a crocodile with a human you could just do it. It’s not moral and it’s not right but it’s in a top-secret place. Real X-Men could be in there, who knows?!”


“It blows my mind that because we know how to make them people assume they’re fake. There’s one story from 1970-something where some scientists in the UK sent a message out into space with our genetic code in the hope someone would receive the radio signal. They found a crop circle 20 years later to the day in the field next to the satellite they used with almost the identical message. What we sent out was our DNA code and what they wrote back was DNA but it was missing a couple of things from ours. It’s so bizarre. And experts go out to inspect these crop circles and none of their equipment works… something is going on.”


“I don’t think it was faked by any means, but what I think was fake was the story that was told to us and what we saw. I think they showed us what they wanted to show us. Let’s be honest: why would we go to the moon, not knowing what’s up there, and broadcast it live? Something was on the moon, and that’s why we went. There were satellites that spotted all these artefacts on the moon and it was a race to get there.

There’s so many pictures from NASA that have been covered up over the years… there’s talks of glass towers, bases, craters that have no bottom to them – which gives the theory that the moon is hollow in certain places. There’s talk that when we landed on the moon it rang like a bell for an hour. And no one can explain why the moon is there and why it’s the shape that it is – it’s a fourth the size of Earth, it perfectly eclipses the sun, it doesn’t make sense. It’s so perfect that it shouldn’t be there. There’s theories that the moon is like the Death Star, it’s a hollowed-out planetoid that observes us – a watchtower so to speak. There’s some insane things going on that aren’t too far away from us.”


“In 1977 we had a satellite that caught an image of a face on Mars. Your mind always sees faces but this wasn’t like that. Me being a comic book nerd, I found that in 1958 a Marvel artist called Jack Kirby drew a comic called The Face On Mars. It talks about these astronauts from Earth who go to Mars and find a giant head, which is what we saw in ’77. When I hear stories like that, it makes me think we’ve been going there since way before then; we’ve seen these pictures, we’ve had space missions we didn’t know about… all this insider stuff.

Like with the moon being the Death Star – the Death Star’s image is identical to a moon that orbits Mars or Jupiter – which we never saw until after Star Wars came out. How did George Lucas know what that thing looks like? He could be an insider, who knows?”


“In the early 20th century this archaeologist named Mitchell Hedges found a temple in Peru and wanted to get deeper down but couldn’t fit, so he sent his daughter. She came back with a human-sized skull that’s completely crystal. Who could have made something like this in the jungle? You can’t carve it. Then years later in another part of the world someone found another. Then it became this legend that there’s 13 crystal skulls around the world – only eight or nine have been proven to be authentic. What I find fascinating is that they took the original skull to run tests on and no one can figure out who made this thing or why. Crystals can hold information like a computer so the theory is that it’s a database but we don’t know how to access it.” UFOs “When you look at the Roswell crash, my first question is ‘Why are aliens such terrible pilots that they’re crashing everywhere? But seriously, there was a leap in technology after that crash. I was reading about this guy who was brought in to reverse-engineer the crash at Roswell and he claimed that we got laser lights, fibre optics and night vision from the vehicle. And it’s obvious why it would be a cover up; you can’t just say, ‘Oh hey guys, this ship from another world crashed here and we don’t know what it is.’ It would change the fabric of mankind and everyone would ask, ‘Well, what about God?’ It would be chaos.” 


“When you’re at school you’re told slaves built the pyramids. Bullshit. The research I’ve read says that there’s no hieroglyphics inside the pyramids and the kings didn’t take any credit for it. The pyramids were there first. One scientist says that the pyramids were power plants and if you look at the chambers there’s evidence of all these chemicals that can make microwave rays that would shoot out of the pyramid. There are pyramids all over the world and there’s a theory that there’s a power grid that the pyramids used to work on in coordination with each other. I find this to be more realistic than they were built to bury some kings in. I think we’re missing a huge chapter of our history that’s a lot weirder than we know. I think there’s a whole history of technology that we don’t know about. It’s hard for people to read that there were people smarter than us who were here before us.” 


“Before the great flood, Saturn wasn’t in the same spot in the solar system – the planets weren’t in the same line until some cataclysm came in and flooded the Earth and messed up a lot of stuff in the solar system. Before that, Saturn was not a planet, it was our main sun. It was a dwarf star that was directly in front of the sun that we know today so it looked like an eyeball with a pupil. Saturn didn’t have the rings at the time but it did have this crescent glow that illuminated it and all day it moved around and for the most part it sat at the bottom. When people looked to the sky it was like an eye was looking down on them and the ancient civilisations used to worship Saturn by human sacrifice. In movies where you sacrifice a virgin it’s a hot chick, but in the ancient world it was eight-year-old kids. And, after the cataclysm, it got moved but the ancients still worshipped Saturn, even the Romans were obsessed with Saturnalia which is where we get Xmas from, all this Xmas stuff comes from worshipping Saturn – which is basically devil worship, you’re sacrificing your kids to it."


“As far back as you can go in history, there’s serpent worship. There are these old gnostic texts that talk about this race of reptilian beings that were here on Earth first. There’s the story of the Garden Of Eden with the snake – the reptilians are supposed to be where that story comes from. There’s a bloodline of people on Earth that works in conjunction with the reptilians – the Royal family are involved in it, so are the Bushes… it’s some really crazy stuff to read about that you never hear about in mainstream media. It’s way more interesting than any movie I’ve seen lately. Someone showed me a 1p piece and on one side it’s the Queen and on the other there’s a serpent claw and a crocodile head.”

Wednesday 13 will be this year's Bloodstock festival on August 10. Get your tickets here.

Luke Morton joined Metal Hammer as Online Editor in 2014, having previously worked as News Editor at popular (but now sadly defunct) alternative lifestyle magazine, Front. As well as helming the Metal Hammer website for the four years that followed, Luke also helped relaunch the Metal Hammer podcast in early 2018, producing, scripting and presenting the relaunched show during its early days. He also wrote regular features for the magazine, including a 2018 cover feature for his very favourite band in the world, Slipknot, discussing their turbulent 2008 album, All Hope Is Gone.