All Hail The New Black

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So you think that black is the ultimate metal-friendly colour, do you? Well you’re wrong. Sorry. British scientists have apparently created a “strange, alien” new material that is so ultra-black that it absorbs virtually all visual light. It’s far beyond black. Black as fuck. NONE MORE BLACKEREST.

THE BLACKEST MERCH EVER

Vantablack is reportedly so black that the human eye can’t process what it’s seeing. So let’s get some t-shirts and other clothing made out of it sharpish. Mosh pits will become swirling maelstroms of amorphous horror. Circle pits will look like some churning gateway into the abyss… albeit with some dickhead doing kung fu moves in the middle to completely spoil the effect.

ULTIMATE HAIR-DYE

Going a bit thin on top? Not feeling quite goth enough? Vantablack hair-dye will deal with all those problems and then some. Even Trent Reznor will look like a man with a full head of lustrous pitch-black hair that perfectly matches the dark shadows of his eternally tormented soul. Or whatever it is he keeps banging on about.

**THE NEXT METALLICA ALBUM **

Many Metallica fans are desperate for the band to make an album comparable to their greatest work, and even though a top-notch thrash album would be ideal, most of us would settle for The Black Album II. So how about the Vantablack Album? If nothing else, completists could put the CD in front of their copies of Lulu to create the impression that it doesn’t actually exist.

VANTABLACK METAL

Never mind black metal – it’s not scary anymore and church burnings and murders are so early 90s. Vantablack metal is the way forward: music so fast, bleak, extreme and Satanic that it crosses the conceptual rubicon and comes out the other side sounding like a calypso 5 Seconds Of Summer covers band. Oh no, hang on… we haven’t really thought this through, to be honest.

**FINALLY… FREEDOM FOR WES BORLAND **

It’s fairly obvious that Wes Borland has been donning weird costumes and painting himself in strange colours for years so that he doesn’t get recognised in the street as a member of Limp Bizkit. And who can blame him? Give the man some Vantablack and all we’ll see on stage is a wobbly cloud of menacing nothingness. And a berk in a red cap.