Secret Santa: Conjurer vs Insomnium

(Image credit: Future/Derek Bremner)

Finnish melodic death metal masters Insomium are returning to the UK and Ireland to celebrate the release of their new opus Heart Like A Grave with support from homegrown metallers Conjurer.
Niilo Sevänen comments: "We are very excited to return to UK and Ireland in January! There is a special relationship between Insomnium and these misty islands. Our first label was Candlelight, and when we first started touring outside Finland in 2005 and 2006 it was in UK where we began. Now it's also been a while since we last visited Ireland or Scotland, so we are really looking forward to play over there. Going to be cool!"

To celebrate this undeniably epic line-up, we united the Finns and our fellow Brits for some festive fun: Secret Santa, of course!

We had Conjurer conjure up a series of gifts the band would like to offer Insomnium and vice versa. Here are their picks:

Insomnium's gifts for Conjurer

A Finnish Sauna

Yes, you shall get a real Finnish sauna. No need for a crowdfunding to get this one. All you need is a nice spot for it. We suggest something by the water so your sauna sessions can include swimming. Beer goes well with the sauna too.

Uno Cards

You shall get Uno cards for Christmas so you can start preparing for our tour. We share the same bus and the thing is that we like to play strip Uno in the bus. Yes, I’m sure you guess how that goes. Ultimately everybody will be naked. 

You can ask Nick Holmes how he liked it when they had the bus backlounge full of naked Finns. We can also play a version called reverse strip Uno, where everybody starts naked.

Collection of bus party music

Yep, this gift shall also get you guys prepared for the tour. This compilation will include at least Toto, Dire Straits, Pink Floyd, Sting, Bon Jovi and Bryan Adams. 

There is usually a rule that when a guitar solo appears you can grab your neighbour by the balls. So watch out when someone wants to put Yngwie Malmsteen on.

Norwich City FC Teemu Pukki shirts

Finns do love football but we haven’t been very good at it. Luckily now for the first time ever we have qualified for the European Championships next summer. Our best player Teemu Pukki comes from the same small town most of us live, Kotka, and as you might know, he plays in Norwich City FC. 

So you will get the Pukki shirts and wear those when coming to Finland and all shall love you. Don’t know if you’ll get beaten if you wear them on your hometown Rugby, though…

Finnish citizenship

And last, you shall all get Finnish passports. For a touring musician this really comes handy after the Brexit as you can freely roam around Europe without any work permits or such.

(Image credit: Conjurer)

Conjurer’s gifts for Insomnium

Steel Undies

[to go with Insomnium’s Yngwie Malmsteen answer] Steel-lined underwear for those who wish not to be groped, even if it is in the name of rock n' roll. Although be sure to take them off before you go on-stage... Good Lord, the chafing...

PG Tips

A multi-pack of PG Tips! 'Cause that's all we are to you lot, isn't it? Fish and chips, Brexit, and copious amounts of hot brown water. Well, now you can play along with the stereotype.

...And to be fair, Conor did lose a whole pack of tea on the last tour so a restock is very much needed.

Noise-cancelling ear plugs

Not only will they protect your hearing from those blasted heavy rock concerts, now they'll protect you from Dan's snoring too. Although there's nothing we can offer to combat the bass he emits. You'll just have to get used to the feeling of Sunn O))) blaring through the bus in the wee hours of the morning.

Colouring Pens!

Those bleak winter drives we'll be sharing together are gonna be pretty grey, so why not counter that with some lovely colourful pens for any of you who fancy yourself as a budding artist. You can finally colour in your album covers from the last decade!

(Image credit: Insomnium)