A life in rock ’n’ roll often entails hours and hours of tedium interspersed with sporadic, fleeting euphoric highs, so it’s perhaps unsurprising that so many musicians turn to mood-enhancing stimulants in order to balance out the rollercoaster ride.
Take Dave Grohl, once the drummer with grunge lords Nirvana, now known to the world and his wife as the ebullient frontman of popular beat combo, Foo Fighters. Beneath his perma-smiling, Nicest Man In Rock image, the 51-year-old musician has been nursing a not-so-secret habit, specifically, “a debilitating caffeine addition.”
“My ability to maintain personal relationships and solid bowel movements were compromised by crippling sleep deprivation and noxious coffee breath,” Grohl reveals in a stark warning to other users/drinkers, delivered in a new video infommercial. “As the bean took over, I found myself doing anything for a fix. My roast grew darker and darker – until I finally hit pot bottom.”
Viewers of a sensitive disposition may wish to look away when the depths of Grohl’s illness is laid bare in harrowing detail, with the singer snorting a fat line of crushed coffee beans and even rolling coffee joints when taking care of his ‘number ones and twos’.
But hallelujah, all is not lost the video reveals, thanks to Grohl’s discovery of new wonder drug Fresh Potix.
“With FreshPotix,’ he enthuses. “I no longer have to shoplift or sell my body for that fantastic buzz that kept me awake for 36 hours at a time and sent me to the hospital for a CAT scan and psychotic evaluation.”
Fellow addicts might wish to note, however, that the pharmaceutical company behind Fresh Potix have flagged up a number of possible side effects to taking the miracle cure drug. These include such alarming conditions as Severe Monkey Peen, Bald Ass, Extra Toe and Weeping Taint. But hey, if it’s good enough for Dave Grohl…