How metal is Epica's Simone Simons?

What’s the most illegal thing you have ever done?

“I’m pretty boring, I guess. I’ve smoked weed in the past but it’s legal in the Netherlands so does it still count? Oh, I know, sex in public places! It last happened 12 years ago. I’m a responsible mother now, ha ha!”

What’s the most metal album in your record collection?

“The selection on my phone is pretty poor, but I have Lacuna Coil, Opeth, Ghost and Michael Jackson. Is Michael Jackson metal? I guess not. The most metal thing I have is an In Flames album, Reroute To Remain.”

What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

“I had a ruptured appendix when I was in Mexico. I was close to dying. I was in agony for a long time before we worked out what was wrong, and then I had to have immediate surgery. I actually looked pregnant because my belly was so full of pus. It was really sexy… ha ha ha!”

What is the most that you’ve ever been sick?

“I had food poisoning when I was in Turkey. Every time I puked, I would shit myself. I sat on the toilet with my head in the sink. I was vomiting until blood came out. It was really nasty. The last time it happened was in Colombia and I thought I was going to die. Right before the show I had stomach ache and my belly was inflated. You think you just need to fart and that’ll be it, but I couldn’t. After the show I had really bad heart palpitations. I threw up a couple of times and my heart calmed down but I was still in agony. Then I had to fly back home. Two long flights with food poisoning!”

What’s the grossest thing you’ve ever had in your mouth?

“Hmmm. I tried oysters once and I didn’t like them much. It’s like eating pussy juice. Men might like it, I guess. It’s like swallowing a placenta.”

What’s the worst fight you’ve ever been in?

“Oh, with my ex-boyfriend, for sure. Apart from that, I don’t really recall anything much. At one show we did, some guy had a cowboy hat and it got thrown on stage. I wore it for a few seconds and wanted to give it back, but somebody else grabbed it and a fight broke out. This guy ended up with bite marks on his arms because some little dude didn’t want to give the hat back. He was a nasty little Chihuahua! Ha ha ha!”

When was the last time you bled?

“Today. I got my period. It’s a monthly situation.”

What’s the rarest piece of merchandise that you own?

“We used to have a Dutch fan club and the guy that ran it made these bi-monthly little fanzines, so those are ancient, vintage Epica stuff and I have some of them lying around at home. They’re very rare because they were only printed in small amounts. I also have a Polaroid from one of my first ever photoshoots for a magazine, when I was 18.”

What’s your most painful tattoo or piercing?

“I only have piercings in my ears. No tattoos. I had my upper ears pierced on both sides, but the guy didn’t do it properly so it got infected and now I have a little lump on the back of my ear. Tattoos can look really beautiful but it’s not for me. I prefer make-up because I can change it every day!”

What’s the most metal picture on your phone?

“The most recent picture is our keyboard player crowdsurfing during a show while playing the keytar. That was pretty metal.”

FINAL SCORE – ⁷⁄₁₀. A sturdy effort featuring vomit, shit, blood, pus, public nudity and keytars? Simone Simons, we salute you. Epica’s new ep, The Solace System, is out now via Nuclear Blast

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Dom Lawson began his inauspicious career as a music journalist in 1999. He wrote for Kerrang! for seven years, before moving to Metal Hammer and Prog Magazine in 2007. His primary interests are heavy metal, progressive rock, coffee, snooker and despair. He is politically homeless and has an excellent beard.