Glastonbury 2015: The Keith Harewood Report

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My name is Keith Harewood and I’m a festival security guard. Not this weekend though. I went to Worthy Farm in Pilton for Glastonbury 2015. My mate didn’t want his Friday ticket so I went to see what the fuss was about – and to see some actual bands for once. Bring on the Foo Fighters.

FRIDAY 26 JUNE 8.30am I’ve never been to Glastonbury before, which is one of the reasons I drove north for an hour before I heard on the radio it’s somewhere in Somerset. Good job I set off early.

9.15am Service stations are nothing more than modern day Dick Turpins – but without the pistols. £3 for a Red Bull and Quavers? Unbelievable. 10.20am Almost there. I took the A34 and turned onto the A303. What’s another hour when you can feel your pulse in your teeth? 10.25am Had to pull over to pee in a hedge. Didn’t have the confidence to drive and aim in a can. Not after last time. 11.45am I’m finally here. All I can see are flags and people with flowers in their hair. I doubt they’ll be down the front for Foo Fighters later. I wonder what time they’re on? 11.55am Just found out Motörhead are playing this afternoon. Get in! I have no idea why my mate Chris suddenly decided to give me his ticket. His loss.

1pm This beats standing around staring at a traffic cone. I’m off to see Alabama Shakes on the Pyramid Stage. It’s only a quick walk from the campsite by the looks of it. 2pm I’ve been walking for an hour now. I feel stupid wearing all this festival gear. Do you have to wear a jester’s hat?

**2.45pm **If I was working, I’d get in a golf buggy and be there in no time. I’m not even sure where I am. So thirsty. I’m sure there shouldn’t be a main road going through the festival. Where’s West Pennard? ** 4pm **I’m now in West Pennard. I can’t even hear the festival now.

**4.15pm **Getting a lift back to the festival. At least it’s not muddy this year. I’ve heard it can be like the Somme. It reminds me of the time I had to carry the singer of a British metal band over some muddy ground on the way to the stage. He was very particular about his footwear. From Italy apparently. He was proper fat as well. I said to him, ‘Next time, I’ll put you on a trolley’. He didn’t say anything back, because he was already on stage. I tried saying it again after they’d finished, but the moment had passed. 4.20pm Looking back, that was a weird afternoon. 4.40pm Just saw Spider-Man lying on the ground. Looks like the new film has taken it out of him.

**5.10pm **How much for a bowl of noodles? And what the hell is quinoa? I think I’ve just spent £15 on a bowl of stuff at the bottom of a goldfish bowl. 5.50pm I’ve met four people called Tarquin. I don’t even know what to do with myself.

6.45pm Finally, Motörhead. They opened with We Are Motörhead, which is the perfect song to open with at a festival. They don’t even have to bother introducing themselves. It’s louder than every band combined.

**7.30pm **Brilliant! A Mikkey Dee drum solo. Time for the toilet.

**7.40pm **They should give knighthoods to people who clean out the portable toilets. It smelled like a sweaty fire had a dose of diarrhoea. You’d need a jet wash to get that stuff off the ceiling. Who does a handstand when they’ve got food poisoning? One wretched soul.

**9.50pm **What’s happening? Where’s Dave Grohl? That looks like a secondary school teacher wrapped in foil.

**10pm **Since when did Dave Grohl break his leg? The security guard just laughed at me when I said what time they were on. I wondered why Chris gave me a ticket.

**10.30pm **Florence Machine has dedicated their cover of Times Like These to Dave Grohl and the Foo Fighters. That’s nice. Let’s see if she can do it justice.

10.31pm Right, I’m off to beat the traffic. Going to chance my arm on the A303.

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Main photo: Getty