Draw Me An Elephant: Wednesday 13

We met up with Murderdoll and horror aficionado Wednesday 13 to talk about his fear of ketchup, his hatred of school and why the moon is hollow.

What is your favourite smell?

“It would have to be chicken. That good fried chicken smell – they should turn it into perfume, too. KFC on the go! You could wear The Colonel’s scent!”

Do you have any phobias?

“I used to really hate ketchup. A lot. I don’t like it near my stuff. If I see it near my food I move it far away. It’s not my friend.”

If you were king for the day, what rules would you impose?

“I wouldn’t say what people assume I’d say like ‘complete anarchy’ or something. If I could change anything for a day it would be school. I hate school. I think what they teach children in school is garbage, I think their version of history is bullshit… I would also make music a mandatory lesson kids have to take because it helps people and changes people. So I would say no normal schooling. I’d give a better education.”

What is your secret talent or party trick?

“It’s a really high-pitched voice I can do, I almost sound like a baby. I can do The Final Countdown in it. It’s like a chipmunk on crack.”

Ed’s note: If you could have heard Wednesday’s voice, you’d be very impressed. And terrified.

Have you ever had a supernatural encounter?

“I went to a haunted house/Ghost Hunters type thing in Newcastle a few years ago. I was a skeptic going into it and when I left there was definitely some weird shit going on in there. It used to be an insane asylum and there was four of us sat in this room around a table with a glass. We put our hands on it and it moves back and forth, then as soon as we take our hands off, the glass shoots right off the table and smashes. I still have no explanation as to why that was.”

What is your favourite TV show?

“My favourite classic TV show has to be The Munsters. But as far as something new I’m obsessed with this show called Eastbound And Down. This dude Kenny Powers is like my fucking hero. It’s based around North Carolina – where I’m from – so that’s another reason why it’s closer to me.”

**If you could live as anyone else for the day, who would it be? **

“I wouldn’t want to be anyone famous. Just a fraction of the attention I get can be annoying at times – I can’t imagine not being able to go to a restaurant or go food shopping. I would like to go to outer space, though. I’d like to explore planets. Not necessarily NASA, but a real space programme that isn’t lying to people about what’s going on. ‘Oh there’s nothing on the moon’ – I’ve read too many books about it, I want to go to the moon and see all the cool shit on it. I think the moon is hollow, I think it’s a space station like the Death Star. That’s what I think. So I’d like to go to the moon and see all the shit they’ve lied to us about for all these years. When we landed on the moon it supposedly rang like a bell for hours. They don’t talk about it but it’s true. What do you land on that rings like that? There’s all kinds of stories about the moon being hollow. Going back to ancient times, people said before The Great Flood there was no moon. There’s no reason for the moon to even be here.”

What is your favourite book?

“My favourite author at moment is David Icke. I’m in the middle of reading The Perception Deception and it’s the biggest book I’ve ever tried to read that doesn’t have anything to do with rock ‘n’ roll, cartoons or horror movies. It’s the craziest, coolest book I’ve ever read. I started reading it about two months ago and I’m halfway through it – it’s like 1000 pages in the tiniest print. It’s taking forever ‘cause I’m reading it then I’m going back and researching stuff online. It’s gonna take up all of 2014.”

What has been your most embarrassing moment?

“Wrecking my car in 2007 ‘cause I was drunk as fuck – I got a DUI. I broke my collar bone and almost killed myself from being a dumb fuck. Then there was everything that followed including $15,000 in legal fees. I’m not proud of it but it’s part of my history so I’ll tell the story.”

What band epitomises metal?

“Pantera in my mind are the ultimate metal band. In terms of riffs and songs – everything they did. And Dimebag’s guitar playing is just through the roof. You could say classic bands like Sabbath but Pantera is my idea of the ultimate metal band. And a good runner-up is Gojira. They’re fucking unbelievable. The most original thing I’ve heard since Pantera.”

Draw me an elephant.

Wednesday 13’s acoustic album Undead, Unplugged is out now!

Luke Morton joined Metal Hammer as Online Editor in 2014, having previously worked as News Editor at popular (but now sadly defunct) alternative lifestyle magazine, Front. As well as helming the Metal Hammer website for the four years that followed, Luke also helped relaunch the Metal Hammer podcast in early 2018, producing, scripting and presenting the relaunched show during its early days. He also wrote regular features for the magazine, including a 2018 cover feature for his very favourite band in the world, Slipknot, discussing their turbulent 2008 album, All Hope Is Gone.