It’s only Wednesday and we’re already questioning our sanity. In the past couple of days, Lindemann have unleashed their potty-mouthed beast of a debut, Primus have brought Oompa Loompas to London and Disturbed are back from a four year hiatus with a new song, The Vengeful One. There’s an accompanying music video and it’s a bit silly. Here’s a handy guide.
0:33 There’s been a cringey Star Wars intro – we assume it’s in homage, but it’s funnier to imagine Disturbed just haven’t seen the films – and a pair of soulless, crimson eyes swim amidst a sea of information overloading from news stations and suchlike. We recognise these eyes – eyes like razor-sharp satsuma segments. Is it him? Is it really him?
1:23 Yes! The Guy is back! Disturbed’s mascot rides aloft a gnarly motorbike – we’re still in space here, remember – and descends upon Earth, assumed to wreak vengeance. We assume this because the song’s called The Vengeful One. Deep.
1:33 A family watches TV and turns into maggots. Each to their own.
1:48 We’re in a big government building now and this giant sphere of speakers seems to be controlling all the telly and news. As you can probably tell from this video and the band’s Tears For Fears cover from a while back, Disturbed have always had a certain way with subtlety. That way being somewhere in the vicinity of a dustbin, a toilet or Katie Hopkins’ Twitter page.
2:22 It’s a lab. People are getting their brains drilled into and they’re looking bloody chuffed about it! The Guy is in the building now, and after peaking from behind the corner he throws a grenade, which is caught by a patient who kindly pulls the pin and blows everything up in an impromptu audition for the Mad Max sequel.
2:34 The Guy’s strutting down a corridor reminiscent of a Timesplitters: Future Perfect level, hiding a gun in a plant pot before opening a door and shooting TV screens. Loads of security guards come in so he just headshots the bejesus out of them. We’d definitely have him in our Call Of Duty party.
2:48 “I swear, officer. She looked like this when we got here.”
3:16 After dispatching a horde of zombies, The Guy is accosted by one last undead bugger. Said bugger is promptly flipped over a table and, before he can react, finds himself severely lacking in the cranium department and in need of a few paracetamol.
3:19 This is definitely the Boss level. Like Dingodile or Dr N. Gin.
3:44 Some Mortal Kombat moves occur and it looks like The Guy is a goner, being pummelled into the corridor by this Devil Man. But wait! Alas! The gun he hid earlier! The Guy retrieves the gun, sends several slugs through the demon’s chest and uses a combination of the Force and something from a Listerine advert to propel the baddie out of the window.
3:51 Oh, fuck! The devil’s only gone and landed in the blades of a passing helicopter, hasn’t he?
4:14 The world’s been saved! The family watching TV are human again, The Guy throws the ball of speakers into the fucking sun and blows up a few more things while he’s at it, riding away and making the Sons Of Anarchy cast look less exciting than a Quorn chicken fillet. You’re so easy to take the mickey out of, but we’re glad you’re back, Disturbed!
Watch the video in it’s full gory glory below: