What if James Bond was soundtracked by metal?

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That warbling berk Sam Smith has unveiled the new theme for James Bond Spectre and it’s a bit naff. Surely if a metal band took on the position of Bond song wrangler it could be improved at least 666%. Here are ten bands we think could do it better… (sorry Sam).

**Manowar – Balls Of Thunder
**Bombastic action movies require a suitably epic and grandiose soundtrack, so who better to provide Bond with a new theme than the Kings of Metal? Now we’re imagining Daniel Craig in a loincloth. Sorry.

**Cannibal Corpse – Shaken, Stirred And Disembowelled
**A bit more gore would liven up the Bond franchise no end. So with that in mind, Corpsegrinder and co. would be the perfect choice to provide 007 with a brutal opening theme. And, we would like to think, numerous new and horrible ways to kill his foes.

Devin Townsend – Fartraker
There have been some brilliant Bond villains over the years, but none of them could match the rubbery terror that Ziltoid would bestow on the big screen. Uncle Dev has a knack for penning huge melodies, too, so that might just keep the Adele and Sam Smith fans happy amid the sustained barrage of flatulence and coffee references.

Steel Panther – (We would like to) Roger Moore
A Bond film without a metric fuckton of sexual innuendo is no Bond film at all, even in this so-called age of political correctness. However, we suggest that a Roger Moore biopic would give the glamorous berks an instantly laudable groin-centric pun to kick them off.

**Fear Factory – The Heavily Armed Cyborg Who Loved Me
**Bond meets Terminator in a blizzard of bullets and eye-frazzling futuristic weaponry… this is probably the best idea ever. We await Hollywood’s imminent attention and Fear Factory for the theme is a digi-metal no-brainer.

Deicide – On His Infernal Majesty’s Secret Service
Aside from a bit of hot voodoo action in Live And Let Die, Bond has never really strayed into occult or Satanic territory. The perennially pro-Beelzebub Glen Benton would put things right, we reckon.

Attila – For Your Motherfuckin’ Eyes Only, Bitch
James Bond has often been criticised for his somewhat dubious attitude towards women. We’re not saying that foul-mouthed Attila frontman Fronz shares that regrettable trait… but, you know… we’ll just leave this one here.

**The Hell – James Bond Is A Dick
**Yeah, we know that James Bond is meant to be super-cool and generally awesome, but we bet The Hell think he’s a bellend.

Sunn O))) – Drone Another Day
The radical option: drone metal’s undisputed figureheads deliver a 40-minute theme song that basically comprises the same drawn-out, bowel-rattling bass note repeated over and over again until the whole cinema is in a weird, hallucinatory collective coma. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.

Jurgen Toksvig – Goldenaaaaiiiiiieeeeeeeeeee!
Metal Hammer’s frostbitten agony uncle has never exhibited any signs of musical talent, but then nor has Sam Smith. Plus, we’re really quite pleased with this joke. You’re welcome.