Who better to dish out Valentine’s Day romance advice than the Lycra-clad Lothario, Steel Panther vocalist Michael Starr?
Alright, there are probably more suitable people, but in the name of all things Cupid, we decided to delve into the hairspray-addled recesses of Michael’s brain for his musings on love.
It turns out that the Steel Panther frontman is full of nuggets of wisdom – which we suggest you wholeheartedly ignore if you want to end Valentine’s Day with your relationship intact.
“One time I took a girl to the beach here in Malibu, and I dug a really big hole in the sand for her,” Michael says, fondly recalling his proudest show of romance. “We lay in the hole, and we made our own chairs in the sand.”
Ok, sounds like a lot of effort, but go on.
“I filled the hole up with water, and then I put a bunch of roses in there…” Roses? Nice and traditional. “…and some cocaine.”
Oh. We were thinking more a trip to Clinton’s Cards and a teddy bear, but sure.
“It was really romantic. The only awkward part was that I had to charge her for the cocaine because I had to pay the guy back, but she was so happy with the roses. It was fine.”
Probably not to everyone’s taste, but we suppose it’s the thought the counts?
“You know, whenever a guy puts out any extra effort for someone they care about, it’s always nice, and girls respond to that, because it makes them feel good and feel like you want them,” Michael says. “If you care about someone you should let them know in some way that they appreciate. And I know she loved drugs.”
So romantic. So what if your loved one leaves you disappointed this Valentine’s Day?
“Remember, not everyone gives a fuck about being romantic,” Michael says. “Some people just wanna have sex and play music, like our guitar player, Satchel.”
Charming, indeed. On that note, we asked Michael to compile the ultimate lovers playlist, and tell us why they kickstart his heart. Read on, and thank the Lord this man isn’t your boyfriend.
CINDERELLA – Don’t Know What You Got ‘Til It’s Gone (Long Cold Winter, 1988)
Starr: “I remember this song really well because I was dating this chick near the beginning of Steel Panther, and Stix [Zadinia, drummer] ended up having sex with her. I didn’t catch them doing it, but he confided in me and told me because we’re connected that way. I looked at her and I pressed play on my Walkman, and this song came on. That was the way she walked out of my life, to Cinderella. I was fine, I just wanted her to know, if you fuck the drummer, you’re walking. Our guitar player I would have been OK with, but when you stoop as low as the drummer? You need to go. That’s like fucking a bass player. C’mon!”
THE STRUTS – Could Have Been Me (Everybody Wants, 2014)
“This was like, a couple of years ago and we were on tour out in the UK. Satchel broke out in crabs. It was weird, because I had sex with the same chick but he got crabs. That song was playing in the background when we were talking about it. I was like, ‘It could’ve been me… but it wasn’t’.”
VAN HALEN – Hot For Teacher (1984, 1984)
“I got close to my music teacher’s boobs loads of times. If I played something right on the piano, she’d give me a hug, and I’d lean right into her tits. That really put together the whole metal thing for me. Heavy metal music is killer, tits are killer, and if you play cool music, people wanna hug you – so you get the tits.”
THREE DAYS GRACE – I Hate Everything About You (Three Days Grace, 2003)
“This reminds me of this chick I was with. We were together for a while and it didn’t work out, and I was in the car with her and I accidentally called her phone. The ringtone to my phone number was that song! I was like, ‘Fuck this chick’ and I bailed on her. That was a romantic epiphany for me.”
POISON – Every Rose Has Its Thorn (Open Up and Say… Ahh!, 1988)
“I had sex with a girl in the bathroom at the Cat Club in Hollywood while Poison were playing this song.”
STEEL PANTHER – Turn Out The Lights (Feel The Steel, 2009)
“This song is about exactly what it sounds like – when it’s better to have the lights off than having them on while you’re having sex. It was written about a particular lady that I had sex with, but then it became a mantra for us to remember, especially on the road. If you end up with someone who isn’t that desirable in the light, you can just keep them in the dark. There’s nothing wrong with it, and it goes both ways; if you’re a guy and you’re not that good looking and the chick wants to turn the lights off, do it! If it feels good, it doesn’t have to look good.”
AVENGED SEVENFOLD – Almost Easy (Avenged Sevenfold, 2007)
“A lot of girls think I’m insane. I like to have a really good time, I’m super sarcastic, but I also like to fuck their friends, and they think that’s crazy. So if I get introduced to a girl and we have sex, and we’re hanging out for a couple of weeks then I meet their friends and want to fuck them, they think that’s crazy. To me, that’s just normal! So it’s really hard to find the right people. This song sums that up for me, it’s like it’s about being in a band.”
BOSTON – More Than A Feeling (Boston, 1976)
“This just reminds me of when I was a little kid, and I was struggling with the fact that my cousin was really pretty. She was fucking hot! I was playing More Than A Feeling on the record player, and she was there, looking at me different, and I got confused. It never happened, but that romantic connection with my cousin, I’ve never forgotten it. I know that if you fuck your cousin, you could just end up having someone who’ll grow up to be a bass player.”
GUNS N’ ROSES – Sweet Child O’ Mine (Appetite for Destruction, 1987)
“I married this chick back in the day. She was a stripper, we loved cocaine, and we ended up getting married. This was the song she walked into the reception party to. I thought at that point that she was the girl I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. Then next month we got a tour, and I divorced her. We were in the middle of writing Community Property, and she couldn’t get on board with the fact that my cock is community property – so I had to cut the cord, man.”
AEROSMITH – I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing (Armageddon OST, 1998)
“This one reminds me of my mom. She passed away last year, and this was one of her favourite songs. When I hear that, I remember she taught me everything I know about how to treat a woman – how to be romantic, how to have feelings and be there for ‘em, how to make them laugh, but mostly just to listen. When I hear that song, I remember everything she taught me, and I miss her.”
Steel Panther play London’s 100 Club on February 22. The band’s new album Live From Lexxi’s Mom’s Garage will be available from February 26 through Open E Music.