Steel Panther's Guide To Christmas

Have you done your panicked sprint around town scooping up gifts for your loved ones? Yes? Well, now you can relax. But think about this. Will your Christmas Day rock as hard as Steel Panther? Maybe not. But don’t worry, vocalist Michael Starr is on hand to give us some tips on celebrating the big day, Panther-style. There were, however, supposed to be 10 tips in this list, but two were so NSFW, it made us feel weird. Take it away, Mike…


“So you want to celebrate Christmas like Steel Panther? Well, the first rule is wear clean clothes. Nobody likes a dirty dude at Christmas. Nobody wants your dirty breath and stinky clothes. Get some deodorant, trim your armpits, and manscape down below.”


“Listen to TeamRock Radio to soundtrack your day. That should be number one, actually, right? Make that number one.”


“Don’t wear Christmas sweaters. It’s an old wives tale that wearing one will get you laid. What you want to wear is black leather or Spandex. Black or red. Don’t mix red and green. That’s a bad colour combination. If you want to wear reindeer Spandex, go for it. That’s sexy.”


“I would go to a strip club on Christmas Day. People who work there on Christmas Day don’t usually have family, so they’re lonely. If you give them attention and make them think you care, then you get your table dances for free.”


“Whip out all of your Van Halen CDs. Well, the first five only. The Sammy Hagar era isn’t very Christmassy. David Lee Roth is. Play them all, even if you have the radio on.”


“Get yourself a standby for Christmas. The more sex you have at Christmas, the more you’ll feel loved. Christmas can be lonely and can bring up a lot of shit.”


“And this one is important. Don’t visit your family. That’s a therapy session you don’t need to do. A lot of people get together with their family and it can suck.”


“Make sure you go Christmas shopping on Christmas Day. Why? That’s the best time to get great deals. And shopping is a good way to meet chicks, too.”

Simon Young

Born in 1976 in Newcastle-upon-Tyne, Simon Young has been a music journalist for over twenty years. His fanzine, Hit A Guy With Glasses, enjoyed a one-issue run before he secured a job at Kerrang! in 1999. His writing has also appeared in Classic RockMetal HammerProg, and Planet Rock. His first book, So Much For The 30 Year Plan: Therapy? — The Authorised Biography is available via Jawbone Press.