If a wedding is supposed to be the happiest day of your life, why do so many couples ruin by picking some godawful song for their first dance? The Righteous Brothers? Wonderful Tonight? Ed Sheeran!?! We're weeping into our vol au vents at the thought of it, and these aren’t tears of happiness, buddy.
Step forward a gentleman calling himself Starlight Champion, who has posted footage on YouTube of himself and his new bride dancing to the song that so perfectly encapsulates their love. And what is this fairy-tale tune that sums up the first blush of newly-wedded bliss?
You Suffer, by Napalm Death.
That’s right, a grindcore song that lasts precisely 1.316 seconds.
Let’s unpack the genius of this choice. Not only is it the perfect antidote to wedding day sappiness, but think about that title: if You Suffer doesn’t sum up the pain of marriage, what does? Hey, we never said we were romantic.
But what makes the whole thing so brilliant is the dance itself. Though ‘dance’ is stretching it. It’s more of a vague brushing of two bodies that’s done pretty much before it’s started. The only way they could have topped that would have been if they’d started a two-person circle pit up on that podium.
It turns, it could have been so different. According to Starlight Champion, they nearly opted for Allowing The Carvings For Mutual Compassion, by Last Days Of Humanity, but decided it was “a few seconds too long.” We’re not even going to start thinking about the first song the happy couple decided to play on their honeymoon night.
Mr and Mrs Starlight Champion, we salute you and wish you all the very best together.