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Psychostick's Top Ten Uses For A Beard

In the new issue of Hammer we interviewed Psychostick about their silly side of metal. But they don’t just love metal, they love beards. Here guitarist Josh ‘The J’ Key gives us the ten all-important uses for facial fur.

1. Warmth. “It’s cold. Grow a beard. Duh!”

2. Chin-Pillow. “Great for sleeping at your desk during work or school.”

**3. Napkin. ** “Clean up after yourself, ya slob…”

4. Fishing Lure. “Just dip your face and emerge from the lake or stream with an assortment of yummy fish. It’s how the grizzlies do it.”

5. Kindling. “Easily accessible and highly flammable. Great to start a fire in a pinch to cook that fish you just caught, you rugged SOB.”

**6. Bartering Chip. **“Perfect for when you catch a lady admiring your beard. ‘I’ll let you touch my beard if you let me touch your boobs.’ I’ve done it! it really works!”

**7. Female-Tickler. ** “Your girlfriend likes the sensual tickle of a beard on her lady parts. She told me so.”

**8. Street Cred. ** “I don’t know about you, but I trust ANY man with a beard. Right?”

**9. Food-Saver. ** “Hungry? Check the beard for a snack! You know there’s some leftover peanuts or pretzels up in there somewhere.”

**10. Intimidate your foe. **“NOBODY wants to mess with a bearded dude. Let’s face it… BEARDS ARE METAL AS FACK!”

You can read our interview with the silliest metal band on the planet in the new issue of Metal Hammer (opens in new tab).

Dom Lawson has been writing for Hammer and Prog for 14 intermittently enjoyable years and is extremely fond of heavy metal, progressive rock, coffee and snooker. He listens to more music than you. And then writes about it.