In League with Satay: the most metal menu ever

Burger King in Japan have introduced the Kuro Pearl, a cheeseburger featuring black buns and even blacker cheese. In tribute to this satanic snack, we've come up with a suitably metal menu. Bon appetit.


In League With Satay A timeless occult starter from the mysterious North-East. Seven-inch chunks of roasted Sabbatic goat (imported from Mendes), marinated in the juice of women, the blood of children, the vomit of the priests and a succulent peanut sauce, skewered onto inverted crosses and laid on a bed of Venom grass.

Crayfish Of Filth A 90s Gothic take on the traditional prawn cocktail. A sizzling cradle of freshwater lobster is served to your table while the crustaceans are still thrashing around and screaming. Simply puncture their necks with the plastic fangs provided and plunge the crayfish straight into the blood-red mayonnaise dip (which is more blood than mayonnaise, so a healthier option).

Primordial Soup Epic, sea-sprayed Irish peasant broth from an ancestral Dublin recipe handed down from generation to generation of hungry pagan Celt, tossed by the Puritan’s hand with shreds of sacrificial lamb and potato substitute, flavoured with the tears of the oppressed and Guinness.


Rigatoni Iommi A delicious Birmingham riff on an old Italian classic. Smoking tubes of pasta garnished with Sweet Leaf and drizzled in a Cornucopia of the spiciest sauces Under The Sun. Served with War Pigs-in-blankets and a Rat Salad, this is the true Pasta Of Reality. Warning: this dish is so hot it can take your fingertips off.

Balti Thrower Another Midlands dish with an exotic twist for the well-travelled ‘World Eater’. Heavy chunks of matured Warwickshire beef, seasoned to a crust, flecked with poppy seeds and griddled on the engine of a Chieftain tank in a thick, pepper-sprayed camouflage combat sauce, served on a bullet-belt of rice and thrown into the patron’s mouth by a tabletop trebuchet.

Duck A L’orange Goblin A swanky French dish with a sweaty British kick. The biggest, heaviest duck that Ben Ward can wrestle into an oven, pumped and smeared in whatever orange liquid the lads could get their hands on: Cointreau, Lucozade, Tizer, Sunny D, Dettol, some home brew cider with bits of orange in it. Garnished with a Black Egg and a Purple Mushroom Fish. Happy gobblin’!

Pie On Fire Ask for today’s Pie Of The Day filling. Not that it matters: it’s on fire! It’ll take 10,000 Years with a Frost Hammer to crack the meat out of that blazing blackened crust. Served to your altar on a hot stone slab, with rudimentary and useless cutting tools, and tabasco sauce. How much hot can you handle?


Into Knickerbocker Glory Ride Everyone will be a Fast Taker for Manowar’s New York ‘gelatowar’ variation on the traditional British ice cream sundae, presented in a gleaming steel chalice and splattered with crushed strawberries (representing The Blood Of Odin), crushed raspberries (representing The Blood Of The Kings) and crushed cherries (representing The Blood Of My Enemies).

Gwar’s Antarctic Roll The coldest, ugliest pudding on This Toilet Earth, believed to be a frozen slab of Beefcake The Mighty’s Mighty Beefcake, wrapped in a sponge that once was a warrior, hand-rolled by the Scumdogs Of The Universe and filled with Slymenstra Hymen’s special raspberry sauce (the recipe’s a secret but really, you don’t want to know).

Chris has been writing about heavy metal since 2000, specialising in true/cult/epic/power/trad/NWOBHM and doom metal at now-defunct extreme music magazine Terrorizer. Since joining the Metal Hammer famileh in 2010 he developed a parallel career in kids' TV, winning a Writer's Guild of Great Britain Award for BBC1 series Little Howard's Big Question as well as writing episodes of Danger Mouse, Horrible Histories, Dennis & Gnasher Unleashed and The Furchester Hotel. His hobbies include drumming (slowly), exploring ancient woodland and watching ancient sitcoms.