Metal Hammer has come into possession of a letter sent to Santa Claus from Corey Taylor following an incident at the Slipknot frontman’s home. There has been no response from St Nick as yet, but you can read Corey’s side of the story below…
This letter is in regards to the incident that happened re: December 24⁄25 of this year, 2015. The letter will function as a statement of record for parties involved and also as an established bill of charges, seeing as The Taylors, hence to be known as ‘The Plaintiffs’, are seeking compensation for damages accrued, in addition to emotional distress, during the night in question.
Your admission of entrance into The Plaintiffs’ property at [ADDRESS REDACTED] through the chimney is a perplexing one, seeing as 1) you had no right to be there and 2) the chimney itself is fake and offers no access to the home therein. Investigators are still trying to discover a second possibility for egress. This is neither here nor there, because your decision to then dismantle the cameras and recording equipment is what we technically call ‘Vandalism’, compounding the standing charge of Criminal Trespass. Authorities are also assessing the extent of the wreckage on The Plaintiffs’ roof, caused by your unique mode of transportation.
You wilfully helped yourself to soymilk and gluten-free cookies that were NOT FOR YOU, having no right to rummage through the pantry and refrigerator on the premises. What’s more, your efforts to countersue with accusations of ‘late onset diabetes’ are ridiculous, egregious and grossly inappropriate.
You are to CEASE AND DESIST any and all contact with The Plaintiffs, including threats of ‘coal in stockings, inclusion on The Naughty List and visits from your partner Krampus’. The Plaintiffs have no desire to hear from you in the future, preferring to use attorneys such as yours truly.
We look forward to your response, and our day in court.
Sheyster, Dick & Sheyster