Imagine waking up one day to a life that is not your own. You’re adamant you’re in the right body, but something is off. Your wardrobe is filled with clothes that you hate, you have nothing in common with those who claim to be your friends, and you’re utterly unqualified for the job you apparently have. While it may sound like a confusing nightmare, this can be the reality for people living with dissociative identity disorder (DID) – and it’s exactly what happened to alternative/trap-metal artist N0trixx.
“For a massive amount of time, I was not me,” the Russian-born rabble-rouser explains today from her Lancashire home, face concealed behind a terror-inducing mask of entwined black wire. “As a teenager, my brain effectively split into two distinct parts. For 10 years, the other part was in full control. Then, we switched.”
As N0trixx tries to explain what it’s like sharing her brain with another person, words including “crazy” and “wild” occasionally slip out – the haunting song Hé Toi, from her upcoming debut record, A Catalogue Of Madness And Melancholia, sees her debating whether she is “going insane”. However, DID isn’t something inexplicable or dehumanising – it’s a natural protective measure.
Article continues below“Sometimes, to cope with trauma, the brain can split,” N0trixx notes. “Therapy has helped me understand that my mind is protecting me from things experienced in my childhood. And the other person in my brain is like a mother, in a way. She protects me from that trauma, takes care of us both. When I am weak or struggling, she will come in and take over.”
“Once I had a really bad panic attack onstage at a gig in Turkey, and I almost switched onstage,” she remembers, sadly. “It was very scary. But I managed to power through. It taught me that I shouldn’t exhaust myself so much on tour.”
While DID can manifest as countless different ‘alters’ co-existing within one mind, N0trixx’s mind hosts just two identities – and they’re very different. To put it crudely, the pair of identities in her mind differ in an almost ‘right-brain’ and ‘left-brain’ sense.
“The other person is incredibly good at maths – she worked as an investment banker,” the artist reveals, her alter having interned on Wall Street in the US before going full-time back in Russia, even appearing as a TV talking head. “I, however, am bad at maths. In fact, when we first switched, she was really frustrated with me, because I couldn’t keep up with her job…”
Of course, this clash means that the relationship isn’t always harmonious. While N0trixx’s strait-laced alter allows her to pursue her dreams, there are some ground rules.
“Burning bridges is in neither of our interests,” the musician explains. “That’s why I wear a mask. She’s uncomfortable with my identity being known by the public – she wouldn’t want her kids to be impacted by the work I am doing.”
That’s right – beneath the barbed wire exterior, growling breakdowns and cut-throat rap bars, N0trixx is a mother of two. But that life is put on pause when she puts on the mask. Her music and art is where she can safely explore the darkest depths of her psyche, wading through torment to produce a fractured clash of feverish metal and anarchic industrial-rap that she describes as ‘bedlamcore’.
You can hear it in her gut-wrenching, self-produced debut, A Catalogue Of Madness And Melancholia. A self-described “eerie, psychological horror”, it’s an attempt at understanding her own neurodivergent mind. Harmless details her experience with borderline personality disorder (an intense mental health condition defined by its emotional instability and distortion of reality, often making you doubt your personal relationships) as she unravels like a wounded animal, vulnerable and raw, while the DID-musing Russian-French-English rap Hé Toi sounds as corrosive as battery acid.
“I wanted this record to sound terrifying and confusing, because that’s how it can feel when you’re just learning to cope with my disorder,” she notes.
Yet there are also moments of blistering strength, like the full-pelt rap onslaught of Narc (I’m So Happy That You’re Dead).
“That track is exploring my experience with a narcissistic abuser, at the hand of my mother, and I’ve carried those words for over 30 years,” she explains. “Gatekeepers might not love the lack of guitars, but I wanted it to sound like Eminem… Each time I perform it, it makes me want to cry, because it’s such a release.”
However, N0trixx’s debut also explores other states of mind. The harrowing Revenge On God is about a man with dementia who brutally murdered his wife, while Catalepsia is a gorgeous, earth-shatteringly tender ode to a man with schizophrenia who was interviewed in the 1960s, and just wanted to “play the piano for people”.
“He only wanted to make music, but his brain wouldn’t allow him to,” N0trixx explains, emotion colouring her tone. With her own creativity muzzled for over a decade, it’s something close to her heart. “I felt so connected to that. So I wanted to commemorate him and give him a tribute.”
The track enlists the piano skills of Warren Willis, a DJ who worked on Linkin Park’s final tour with Chester Bennington. The feature serves as a poignant, full-circle moment.
“When I was a teenager, my father died, and I listened to From The Inside by Linkin Park on repeat,” she recalls. “That really helped me survive. And that sound made me realise how music can save you – I want to create music that saves other people.”
A deep exploration of the psyche, A Catalogue Of Madness And Melancholia can get dark. But there are some lighter moments, from the meditative You Are Loved to the defiant middle-finger that is ADHD thumper St. Chaos.
“I receive a lot of messages from people saying that my music makes them feel seen, heard and understood – and that literally means the world to me,” she says, a smile shielded by her scratchy wire mask but evident in her voice. After being smothered for years, N0trixx is set on fully embracing her creativity.
“As soon as I took control, music just poured out of me,” she recalls. “The other person is the opposite of creative – the entire time she was in charge, she created nothing. She didn’t even listen to music! It was all kept inside, without any release. I’m making up for lost time.
“Staying in my previous career would have been safer, but I’m Buddhist, and I do believe that every single one of us has a mission in this world,” she continues, noting that the Russo-Ukrainian war was a huge wake-up call. “When the war started getting worse, all I could think was that my purpose was not investment banking.”
After attending protests in Russia and getting arrested, she released the bold FUCK WAR in 2022. Now, she can’t return to the country.
“My alter is not so happy with how I handled that…” N0trixx admits. “She thought I was being rash, and she thought she could have handled things better. But, when I’m on my deathbed, I will be proud of myself.”
With her debut album and first full UK tour imminent, it’s set to be a pretty intimidating year. But N0trixx is more than ready for it.
“I believe my mission is to educate people,” she explains. “I strip my soul bare on record to demonstrate how incredible the brain can be. That vulnerability comes with a lot of fear – but you do what you have to if it’s important. And this project matters.”
A Catalogue Of Madness and Melancholia is out now. N0trixx is currently on tour, for the full list of tour dates visit her official website. For support with mental health conditions, visit mind.org.uk.
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