The Dwarves: The Dwarves Invented Rock N’ Roll
We used to have heroes. Remember? Like Evel Knievel. He would strap on an American flag cape and jump over buses on his motorcycle. Half the time he wouldn’t make it and he’d break 27 bones. He’d be out of the hospital for a day and a half before he was back on the bike, jumping over shit and accidentally setting himself on fire. When he wasn’t doing that, he was guzzling booze like a champ. You could trust a guy like that.
The Dwarves are essentially the Evel Knievels of rock’n’roll. They know they’re gonna die of rotten livers or syphilis, but they gotta keep playing punk rock and beating up the idiots in the front row, no matter what.
This record, like all of their records, is basically just the delivery system for their next sex-and violence-fuelled road campaign. And it will definitely not let you down. (8⁄10)/o:p
Teenage Chainsaw: Is A Buzzkill
Sounds like a bunch of skinny goofs trying to tackle a berserk mental patient who’s been bathing in her own blood all night. Sorta like The Stooges if Iggy Pop was a 13-year-old girl with problems and Ron Asheton played an actual chainsaw. Probably the greatest band that ever lived. I just threw away all my Steely Dan records. (6⁄10)
Dead Hollywood Stuntmen: Shut Up & Enjoy The Ride
A bunch of dudes from Nashville who sound like one of those post-post-post glam-metal bands in LA who have, like, Jizzy Pearl, the original drummer from London, and a couple of BulletBoys in the band. Yeah, you get it. This should hold you over until Firehouse get back together. (4⁄10)
Racy Glow: Naughty Minds
Racy Glow are a bunch of Spanish dudes who sound basically like Lizzy Borden playing Poison songs, only the heavy accent of the vocalist gives the whole thing a surreal edge, like it just got belched up from another, more rubbery dimension. I can’t tell if it’s good. I can’t even tell what planet we’re on when it’s playing. Far out, man. (4⁄10)
MF Ruckus: Thieves Of Thunder
These guys sound like they haven’t slept in months. It’s the soundtrack to… maybe not murder, but certainly aggravated assault. It’s like if Buckcherry wrote songs about fighting instead of fucking. If you ever get really drunk, steal an ambulance and drive it into the wall of the hospital you got it from, this will probably be in the tape deck. (7⁄10)/o:p