So it’s Halloween soon, isn’t it? That’s a thing, isn’t it? That’s a thing that happens every year. You know, like Christmas, your birthday, or shitting your pants in a Burger King. However, unlike those three things, we love Halloween, because it’s a great excuse to watch loads of horror movies. You’ve got the classics – the Friday the 13ths, the Nightmare On Elm Streets, and of course, the Halloweens, but there’s a hell of a lot of other stuff out there.
Luckily, we spend our time watching all that other stuff ‘out there’, which qualifies us to chuck a few your way, so that you’ve got something to watch. That something being a film that you might not have watched if an idiot on the internet hadn’t harped on about it. So here are ten horror movies that you probably haven’t heard of, that you should definitely check out this Halloween. Unless of course you’re actually leaving the house and ‘going out with your friends’, which is a thing we’ve heard that some people do. Weirdos…
No One Lives
One film that not many people have heard of is The Midnight Meat Train, starring Vinnie Jones (it is very good, you should see it) and it is by the same director as this film. However, we couldn’t include two on the list from the same guy, so we went for this one, because less people have heard of it, and that’s the point of this whole thing, right?
So what No One Lives is about, is some bloke and his wife who get kidnapped by a bunch of redneck criminals. So far, so standard, but then what the robbers don’t realise is that the nice man they’ve just abducted is actually an ultra badass psychopath who will not stop until all of them are dead. SPOILER ALERT: He doesn’t, and he deads them in increasingly disgusting and OTT ways. At one point he even hides inside the body of one of his victims before bursting out like some sort of Luke Evans-looking alien. It’s mental.
Buddy cop movies are always a laugh, what with the whole ‘culture-clash’ thing that comes along with them: “Haha, he’s Chinese, but his partner’s not!” etc. Here, it’s not so much a culture clash, as a ‘life status’ clash. Insofar as one cop’s life status is that he doesn’t have a life status. Because he’s dead. But he’s been brought back to life as a zombie, which obviously leads to situations involving nouns such as ‘hilarity’. There’s also a lot of ‘banter’, which is a thing that is popular nowadays. Turns out zombies are really good at it; even better than student rugby players, lads in Yates’ bars, and your dad.
Satire – that’s a thing that adults like. It means something to do with politics or global warming or something. Either way, Society is a satire, but we were more interested in witnessing the single most disgusting twenty minutes of carnage ever committed to celluloid. Satire can do one. This movie’s climax is unlike anything you’ll ever see, and it’s entirely worth the wait (not a lot happens in the build up to be honest, but that’s why it works). This film is so good, but we don’t want to ruin it by explaining the plot; just know that it is the gloopiest orgy of grue in existence.
Also, there is one woman whose only character traits are that she has smudged lipstick and she eats clumps of people’s hair. Nice.
My Bloody Valentine
You may have heard of the remake of this, it came out a few years back (and is actually quite good), but it’s the original we’re talking about here. It’s an absolutely classic ‘80s slasher, and one of the goriest ones out there. Make sure you get the uncut version though, because when it was released over here, they took all the juicy bits out because the BBFC all drank Tropicana smooth instead of the normal one. Your best bet is getting the US special edition DVD. It’s also a great one to watch on the actual Valentine’s Day, especially if you secretly want to leave your partner.
No, not a spin off of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, although we definitely would watch if it was. Instead, it’s a creature feature almost entirely set in a gas station, featuring one of the most ingenious monsters in horror movie-land. Basically, instead of being a big snake, or a sharktopus or some shit, it’s a parasite which infects people and causes them to sprout spikes all over their body and contort into bone-shatteringly vile positions. The effects are brilliant, and if you’re not keen on things like arms and/or legs breaking, then you’d be better off giving this a swerve. The sound effects made us want to hock.
Ever wondered what old Harold from Neighbours got up to when he wasn’t swanning about Ramsay Street? Of course you did, what on earth else is there that’s worth thinking about? Well, one of the things that he got up to, in between skateboarding and powerlifting (probably) was starring in a really gross Australian film about a new drug that has deadly side effects. These side effects include complete bodily disintegration, which is just a tad worse than drowsiness. There are a hell of a lot of yucky demises in this one, and the special effects are top notch. To make it even more fun, imagine you’re actually watching an episode of Neighbours – it really knocks you for six when someone’s face explodes.
The directors of this, the Soska sisters, made a film called Dead Hooker In A Trunk, so you know you’re in reliable hands with them. However, whereas that film was a bit rubbish, this follow-up is NOT. It’s really bloody great, with an emphasis on the bloody. Basically, it’s about this medical student who turns to stripping to pay her way through school, before accidentally getting involved with a bunch of dodgy people along the way. Then she pretty much goes full-blown psycho and embarks on a revenge mission that would make Bryan Mills blush. If you’re interested in body modification in any way, this should be a must-see for you.
So far we’ve pretty much focused on gory wonders, but that’s what floats our dinghy, so deal with it. Still, we enjoy other types of horror too, and this one leans a lot more towards atmosphere, and is about as creepy as you could ever possibly imagine (although it’s still got its fair share of blood-letting). We don’t really want to ruin the storyline, so just watch the clip below and it’ll pretty much tell you all you need to know.
House Of The Devil
Here’s another one that plumps for mood over splatter (although don’t worry, it’s still present). The story follows a girl who responds to a babysitting ad, and upon reaching the house is informed that there’s no baby, and that instead she’ll be looking after ‘Mother’ upstairs. Obviously, that’s reason enough for any sane person to leave immediately, leaving a brown trail in their wake, but she stays, and obviously regrets her decision. Things hit the fan, big time, but we won’t ruin it here. Let’s just say that ‘mother’ isn’t exactly an easy person to look after…
Violent Shit 3: Infantry Of Doom
This is possibly the most bonkers film we’ve ever seen (“What, even more mental than *Violent Shit 1 and 2*?” – You), and it will probably be up there for everybody else too. You’ve got ninjas, zombies, weird masked soldier maniacs, Nazis and a bunch of other weird stuff chucked into one giant melting pot. It contains unbelievably violent gore, insanely bad acting, horrendous fight scenes backed with entirely inappropriate music (see here) and the following quote, which is said in the voiceover at the beginning of the film, you know, to set the scene:
“The world is full of piss and shit. And now a horde of tin-masked arseholes are puking in our faces, filled with shit.”
And that, is just about the best thing we have ever heard.