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The Cavemen - The Cavemen

Before they blew it in 1978 with that godawful second record, We Have Come For Your Children, the Dead Boys were probably the ultimate punk rock band. They represented everything the moral majority was panicking about in the sicko 70s. They were morally corrupt, drug-abusing, switchblade-wielding, sexually deviant psychopaths who wrote brutally honest songs about how ugly and pointless it was to even be alive. They sounded like they were gonna kill you, for real, like they were going to somehow burst through your speakers and throw you right in front of a rush hour train on the subway.

I am happy to report that New Zealand’s Cavemen scratch that same wild-eyed itch on this belching puddle of rock’n’roll vomit. You can’t get more primitive than a song called School Sucks with a line like ‘Kill your teachers and burn your homework’, especially when the guitarist sounds like he’s throwing his instrument down a flight of stairs. Record of the year so far, easy. (⁹⁄₁₀)

White Dynomite - Action O’Clock

If the MC5 were from Massachusetts and they dressed like a wedding band that’s been left to rot in a Tijuana jail for four months, well then you’d have this new White Dynomite EP. Of the five tracks here, Werewolf Underwear is the best titled and the clear hit on deck and will hopefully spark off an alarming new fashion trend. Party music for party ruiners. (⁷⁄₁₀)

High N’ Heavy - Born Out Of Rock

You know your cool uncle with the moustache who’s dead now? The one who used to regale you with fantastical tales of low-budget debauchery with his old basement rock band back in 1972? Well, High N’ Heavy are basically what that band always sounded like in your head. Pentagram for stoner uncles buried in denim, in essence. (⁷⁄₁₀)

Anti-Nowhere League - The Cage

The sleaziest punk rock gang of the 80s is somehow still alive and kicking. Well, frontman Animal is at least, I’m assuming the rest of ‘em are dead. This version of ANL is pretty standard senior-citizen punk. Not as lame as it coulda been, but no goat-fucking songs, either. So fucking what, indeed. (⁵⁄₁₀)

Sexual Advice - Forbidden Fruit

What with the band name and the album title and a lead-off single called Cyber Sexual Tourist, you’d be forgiven for thinking this thing would come wrapped in plastic or would, at least, arrive dripping with some sort weird goo. The Saarbrücken-based band’s work is not as sleazy as it sounds, sadly, but it’s still pretty effective late-80s-style sleaze metal. (⁶⁄₁₀)

Came from the sky like a 747. Classic Rock’s least-reputable byline-grabber since 2003. Several decades deep into the music industry. Got fired from an early incarnation of Anal C**t after one show. 30 years later, got fired from the New York Times after one week. Likes rock and hates everything else. Still believes in Zodiac Mindwarp and the Love Reaction, against all better judgment.