What if metal artists were superheroes

null

We invited some Hammer favourites to get their capes on…

Riceboy (aka Matt Heafy, Trivium)

“I would be Riceboy, and my goal would be bringing more white rice to more people around the world. I would help educate schools worldwide on proper rice-harvesting practices; we would soon have rice fields sprouting all over the globe. Everything would be more delicious with the addition of me! I’d wear a cape made of nori, a hat made of fish, and a little glob of green wasabi to hold it all together. My weakness would be brown rice, though, because rice isn’t meant to be a complex carbohydrate. Me and my sidekick Soysaucegirl would hang out at my lair – a giant rice cooker that would be absolutely delicious. My nemesis would be Conveyerbeltguy, who’d make me unfresh. In terms of my backstory, my family was forced into sushi internment cases in the rice-famine. Much like that, the conveyer-belt way forces us to spin into a perpetual cycle of dryness and untastiness.”

Memory Man (aka Mike Shinoda, Linkin Park)

“I’d want to be able to remember anything. It’s a real thing – people can do it. You can ask: ‘What did you eat for breakfast on November 13, 2001’? and they can tell you. ‘What kind of shoes were you wearing on November 14?’ And they’ll be right. I just thought that was such an incredible superpower to have. My costume would be furs, chainmail, spikes and metal – kind of like the fantasy art I grew up drawing. It would be cooler than Thor, though. I don’t think I’d be a straight-up good guy - one of my favourite superheroes is Wolverine and he wasn’t totally good. You couldn’t trust him; he was a loner and an outcast. That means my nemesis is myself. I don’t know when they’re going to let me write an episode or a movie for Marvel but we’re off to a good start.”

El Scrappo (aka Liam Cormier, Cancer Bats)

“I’d fight for freedom and justice, and the betterment of good vibes and good times. My superpower would be the ability to eat anything, so I’d eat bad guys’ guns and hand grenades, and I’d wear camo pants with cargo pockets so I could keep a can opener and a fork. However, my weakness would probably be an over-addiction to pizza, which would get in the way of my crime-fighting and cause me to lose my focus, and the evil villains would use it to lure me away. I’d want to bring Mikey [Peters, Cancer Bats drummer] along with me, because he’s the best and I love him. He wouldn’t be my sidekick, though. Fuck sidekicks! We’re all equals. He’d have the superpower of being a bear, too. But for the sake of his marriage I’d let him turn back into a human when he had to go home.”

Kon-Red (aka Su-Metal, Babymetal)

“My name would be Kon-Red and it’d be my mission to cover the whole world in laughter and smiles. I wouldn’t have any superpowers though, I would use the Japanese martial art of karate. I’d say the phrase ‘Seiya!’ to get into my superhero form. However, as I’d fight with my bare hands, I would be weak to weapons. My outfit would be a really cool red and black costume. I would live in a little hut in the heart of the mountains with a fox the size of a soft toy called Kon-Kichi. He’s my sidekick and can hear the voice of the Fox God – he’d be very reliable and lead me on the path I must take. My only enemies are the enemies of the Fox God, like bears and dogs! But only the Fox God knows where my mountain hut is.”

Rock’N’Roll Man (aka Caleb Shomo, Beartooth)

“My name would be Rock’N’Roll Man and I’d use the Camden Underworld as my lair. I would spread rock power all over the world by blasting music from my metal hands that can turn into speakers. My only weakness is being at a show where everybody is standing around with their arms folded, so I have to destroy those people with rock! If my sidekick Tiger-tech saw some people who aren’t rocking hard enough then he’d erect a PA that can harness my power as I blast them! Old Man would be my nemesis; he’d be an old dude who comes to shows moaning about decibel levels. I wouldn’t have a costume, just a mask and a sock on my dong – Red Hot Chili Peppers style.”

The Crimson Bruise (aka Dani Filth, Cradle Of Filth)

“My name would be the Crimson Bruise and I’d be fighting for world peace, mutant rights, the destruction of corrupt government organisations, and the right to wear spandex. I’d wear crimson, very pliant Lycra, incorporating a mask you’d want to punch – so a bit like Ben Affleck in Daredevil. My superpower would be the ability to be beaten up continuously and just take it like a ham. I’d be an absorbing stress ball for supervillains to line up and vent their rage upon, thus saving the rest of the world from their continuous nefarious schemes. This would lead to a self-defence mechanism that would spawn an ectoplasmic love globule from my trousers, like a squid releasing ink. Scarlett Johansson would be my sidekick but in a slightly tighter and skimpier Black Widow outfit, and I’d live in a purple bat cave sex-dungeon full of the latest gizmos from Comet.”

Vana Dium (aka Carla Harvey, Butcher Babies)

“My name would be Vana Dium – V for short – and I’d live in a world where rock music has been outlawed. It would be my mission to defeat songwriter Max Martin and his army of pop bots so the world can once again think freely. I would do this with my superhuman strength – I’d be as strong as the metal I’m named after. I could also release poison quills in all directions from my hair while headbanging. I’d have a Kevlar catsuit and a leather motorcycle vest covered in thrash patches. My only weakness would be New Kids On The Block; their radio frequencies make me mentally and physically ill. I’d live in an ultra sleek and modern lair guarded by my trusty pitbull, Gypsy. It would have a secret cellar with the greatest collection of old-school metal records and artefacts in the world.”

Water Boy (aka Will Gould, Creeper)

“I’d have the ability to swim underwater and have gills like Kevin Costner in Waterworld. I wouldn’t need a costume, I would just be fully green like the amphibians from the TV show Stingray. I’d have no sexual parts either, I’d basically look like a Ken doll without his clothes on. My sidekick would be a hybrid of Flounder from The Little Mermaid and Dory from Finding Nemo, he’d have the voice of Patrick Stewart and help me navigate the sea. My weakness is long periods of time out of the water so I’d have to sleep in a flotation tank in my giant shell lair. My drummer Dan Bratton is my nemesis as he is focused on eliminating fluid from his diet – I’ve seen him eat an entire pack of bread rolls without any condiment or liquid to drink.”

Captain X-Ray (aka Neil Fallon, Clutch)

“I’d be fighting for keeping the world safe for having fun. My nemesis would be Lord Punishment, the ringleader of all the Punishers that come and ruin your good time, and one of my focuses would be to fight people who give unsolicited opinions. Using my X-ray vision, I could see on the other side of walls, and then have no way to deal with what I saw, because that would be my only superpower. So I’d call the cops, or a more formidable superhero, and tell them what’s up. As my advisor, I’d have a pigeon called Carlos – he’s from LA. He’d look inconspicuous in any city environment and would get the aerial view. I’d dress like an English lawyer, in a bowler hat and cane, with chrome shoes. It’s like an enigma – that someone keeping the world safe for fun would look like no fun at all.”

House Hunters International Watching Guy (aka Devin Townsend)

“At the end of a long day I would sit on the couch with a bag of crisps and watch the TV show House Hunters International until I fell asleep. That’s why I’m called House Hunters International Watching Guy, and the couch is my lair. My sidekick is a bag of crisps, but my one weakness is the quantity of chips I am eating. I should have eaten just a few but when you get down to the bottom they’re all nacho cheesy. I wouldn’t wear a cape, I’d just continue with the same underwear I was wearing before. Programme interruptions are my nemesis, especially the ones they put on for mixed martial arts or something with big guys in their underwear beating the shit out of each other.”