Devin Townsend: the Gospel according to Ziltoid

He hails from a planet far, far away and came to wreak havoc on Earth because of a ‘fetid’ cup of coffee. Please put your hands, claws and pincers together for Ziltoid The Omniscient!

I hail from Planet Ziltoidia 9

From the realms of all things, thoughts and all great ideas spent, come I: Ziltoid The Omniscient. In the times before time, I was and always have been. I am here in concept only to remind you of the beauty, through the hideousness. Submit to your chaos. Hello, I am Ziltoid. I love coffee, kittens and poop jokes.

Poop and farts are funny cos they piss ‘clever’ people off

Evolutionarily speaking, this species is only a millisecond past the primordial ooze stage… Yet the fact that any of you are convinced you are capable of comprehending anything with certainty is just so damn hilarious that the only reasonable reaction to this folly is to make a fart joke. It’s a squeaky little tuba-sound that smells like decomposed food matter that COMES OUT OF YOUR BUMHOLE, LADIES!!! THAT’S GREAT! It’s also just so great that it makes people upset when it’s in music or art.

There’s nothing more disappointing than a shit cup of coffee

As a Ziltoidian, coffee (found only here on Earth, by the way) is a substance that allows me to bend space and time. To transcend; to go internal and reappear as the observer. The concept of the infinite makes the vastness of what appears to be ‘infinite space’ shrink you down to nothing, and this is an illusion. It is within you. It is without you. In the stillness is the answer. Coffee and a solid shit will put your mind there for at least four minutes each morning. If the coffee is poor, you cannot fly. Instead, you obsess over a stupid union strike or the fact that there are seven billion of you on this planet, connected through a single collective unconscious, yet you get your shit in a knot about oil.

Jim Henson was a genius

The Dark Crystal was his vision in the early 80s, and the shockwaves sent into the ether created me. Hail to the bearded one! Also, Yoda was a cock.

Back on Ziltoidia 9, I was bullied for being a nerd

Here, on Earth, my status as a fourth- dimensional being puts me into a category of ‘entity worthy of adoration and exaltation’. Back home, I was picked on like you wouldn’t believe. Sheesh, what a bunch of dicks those guys are. I was sensitive, in a race of creatures that view sensitivity as a liability. ‘Chaos and war as the path to transcendence’ and all that… yaddayaddayadda. I found myself craving silence and beauty over time.

Toilet humour underlines just how primal the species is

Maybe that’s why some folks get all bent about it: “Don’t remind us that we aren’t all that!” Guess what? You aren’t. Do I sit around and sniff my own farts all day? Of course not, it’s a natural biological process, but damned if I don’t think it’s funny that such a primitive species tries to cover up the big parts of life. Food, birth, death, sex, shit… it’s all life. It’s all beautiful. It’s all hilarious. (By the way, I actually do sniff my farts all day. Especially when I cut one on my tricorder.)

Yes, I admit to having destroyed a few planets in my time

And sure, I prattled on about ‘detraction, destruction and universal conquest’, but when the chips were down I felt drawn to the stillness. It seemed just much more broad. Through it, the chaos seemed only a metaphor. The other jerks back home would give me the gears pretty much all the time. Wedgies and talking shit, but under it all I think they were afraid that maybe I was right, as they had a whole industry based on their shtick… but no matter. Now I am here, condemned for my insolence. On Earth, it’s all too easy to validate my insecurities through pan-dimensional party tricks, so for now I do. Fear me! Or, you know, whatever…

Animals are pure…

Animals don’t lie to you. That’s something to hang onto right there. Is the fact that they aren’t capable of deception a sign that they are ahead of, or behind, you humans? Only time will tell. Humans and animals… They are tasty, though; that’s their downfall.

I translate my connection to the pan-dimensional through music

I am a rock star! Hooray! That means I rarely have to lift things. I’ve been provided the opportunity to scratch my 17 testicles while heavily breasted women tell me that my brain is sexy, and that allows me to find a centre. The centre is delusion, though! I am but in the world of man, and their concept of infinity! Here’s the deal, kiddies: the physical realm is armed with booby traps (heh heh… boobies… booingy booingy booingy). On one hand, they are tempted to transcend through their senses. An option? A straighter path, yet abstract to most! They must return to the stillness, through these same fears, loves, hates, boobies, kitties, steaks and lobster… it all distracts from the source, and to lose themselves to it means they keep coming back to this place. It’s a holding ground… shit… I’m stuck here too. DAMMIT!

Fate and free will are just another example of duality

Get past that shit, will ya? Jeez, Louise…

Everything physical is vibrating at certain frequences

Matter, entities, spirits: all manifested by love and energy. Love is not something fluffy, though (it’s actually kind of goopy) – it is the destroyer of worlds! The dynamic interaction between two furies, endlessly battling and screwing each other… this unconscious love-war is what creates all vibration, all matter. The physical exists because of a dynamic, unconscious orgy of everything, perpetually. It’s beautiful. It’s tragic. It’s hellish, and, if you’re unprepared, it is terrifying. Your minds must be clean, your hearts must be open (so must your baby-making bits). Oh, are those more of those little cakes? Sweet. I’ll take a mitten-full.

It’s all just entertainment… or is it?

What is the point? What is the motivation? Is the need to ‘watch it burn’ or understand the underlying principles anything more than fear, control issues and lust? Is fear and lust even wrong? Does it even exist? Are there any more of those nice little cakes left? No? Fine then. You all play a role, and if that’s the role you choose, then so be it. However, the void exists regardless – watching, waiting, participating by proxy with or without you feeling that it’s your calling or destiny. If, as a child, you have been hurt, and your personal power has been robbed, as you progress, all actions become hardwired to the things which elicit a reaction. To entertain, to destroy, to feel emotions of any sort are an easy an obvious route. Yet aha! This is the key (we shall discuss later). To be still and observe is the goal. Why can I not, you ask? Because I’m a puppet, you idiot… didn’t I tell you that seven years ago??? Is it entertainment or not? It’s both. Everything is both. The metaphor again is based on transcending duality. And speaking of which… eat two bags of shit.

Music is important because it’s an invisible power

Thoughts manifest reality. Think about sex and you get a stiffy. Think about food and you drool (and also get a stiffy). Think about what you want and it manifests (stiffy boobies!). Music is an invisible doctrine from each personal source, and it shall manifest vibrations that colour your world. From the stillness, what do you choose to manifest? Many do not even know… or they believe they do, but the intentions of fear and greed come through. There are only a handful of emotions that humans share, and music can access that, through the air, through the potential – what do you choose to fill the silence with? In this way, humanity and its profound ignorance are firmly rooted in the all. The vastness of human emotion supersedes the primitive. I, Ziltoid, wholeheartedly endorse this armchair analysis.

I am a puppet

And my mommy’s little guy. Ziltoid out. Prepare your finest coffee, humans.

Merlin Alderslade
Executive Editor, Louder

Merlin moved into his role as Executive Editor of Louder in early 2022, following over ten years working at Metal Hammer. While there, he served as Online Editor and Deputy Editor, before being promoted to Editor in 2016. Before joining Metal Hammer, Merlin worked as Associate Editor at Terrorizer Magazine and has previously written for the likes of Classic Rock, Rock Sound, eFestivals and others. Across his career he has interviewed legends including Ozzy Osbourne, Lemmy, Metallica, Iron Maiden (including getting a trip on Ed Force One courtesy of Bruce Dickinson), Guns N' Roses, KISS, Slipknot, System Of A Down and Meat Loaf. He has also presented and produced the Metal Hammer Podcast, presented the Metal Hammer Radio Show and is probably responsible for 90% of all nu metal-related content making it onto the site.