I love Christmas so much that I have chosen to reside in Switzerland, where Christmas is the biggest thing ever to happen! My Christmas Day is planned down to the last detail, and this playlist is a mental roadmap that helps me to shape this day of festive cheer. Share with me, in the Yuletide Music Magic...
Martika's Kitchen - Martika
I rise at 0430 and nip down to the kitchen to put the vegan turkey on. Martika kindly helps me with the seasoning
Top Gun Theme - Harold Faltermeyer and Steve Stevens
Before the weak sun has risen, I take a sackful of presents to the poor children of the town, with Top Gun proudly playing on my beatbox. Being Switzerland, there are very few poor children, so we rarely get past the first verse.
Looking for Freedom - David Hasselhoff
It’s always seems wrong to me that David Hasselhoff doesn’t get more credit for making Christmas special for all of us.
Gotta Go Home - Boney M
Not the obvious choice from the big M, but reminds me to peel the vegan sprouts in good time.
I'll See You In My Dreams - Giant
I use this song to wake my menagerie of rescued animals. They love Christmas almost as much as I do!
December Song - George Michael
Ah George... In the rush of seasonal joy, it is prudent to take a moment to reflect on the particular month without which Christmas could not exist.
Crockett's Theme - Jan Hammer
Our reverie continues, the torpid keytar motifs leading our thoughts as we gaze out upon the frozen tundra.
West End Girls - Pet Shop Boys
It’s present opening time! Who better than the Queens of Consumerist Pop to guide our eager hands tearing at the wrapping paper?!
This Ole House - Shakin' Stevens
My family and I parade around the house resplendent in our Christmas finery, doing the Shakey dance. The servants applaud.
My Adidas - Run DMC
As This Ole House is only a minute long, we segue into My Adidas. Even if we haven’t received Adidas items in the Christmas stocking. Crazy!
Hammer Smashed Face - Cannibal Corpse
Time to carve the vegan turkey.
Sideboard Song - Chas and Dave
I don’t think either Chas or Dave would have enjoyed my choice of non-alcoholic beer flavoured beverage, but they would definitely approve of my home made party hats!
In The Army Now - Status Quo
This mid-paced cry-banger helps us to think of those less fortunate than ourselves on this smuggest of days. Well done the Quo!
Jesus I Was Evil - Darcy Clay
And this one to remember those more evil than ourselves. We quite often play this one twice.
The Conga - Black Lace
What better way to bring yourself back from the lowest depths that humanity has dredged?
Hurst Gurdy Man - Butthole Surfers
Even a sober man needs to test reality. The Surfers lead the way in modern psychological science, and I happily take a trip down no memories lane with them.
Everybody Knows - Leonard Cohen
I only let Cohen in because I feel sorry for him. It’s a Christmas thing.
Ready 'n' Willing - Whitesnake
The children and animals are back in their quarters, so it must be time for Christmas Sex! Nobody can deny Coverdale in full flow.
Cherokee - Europe
But in case Ready ‘n’ Willing isn’t long enough to complete, Europe are poised and waiting on the spare record playering machine
Mistletoe and Wine - Cliff Richard
The afterglow song. Thanks for another wonderful Cliffmas everyone!!
The Darkness will appear on Christmas Bake-Off on Christmas Day at 8pm, a mere five hours after The Queen herself.