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Politics: Michael Starr

If you were President, what would your first orders of business be?

Firstly, I’d have to make friends with all the people from Congress. And then I would have to get them in positions where I could control them. So I’d probably hire a bunch of hookers and get some people in Congress to fuck some hookers, and then I’d film it, and then that way I could make some rules. Coz when you’re President of the United States, you don’t really do anything except look good. So the first thing I’d do would definitely be to legalise drugs in America. That way it would safer for people to experiment with heroin and stuff. Second, I would give out free cars to all the kids. And then I would make the amount of money you get for unemployment higher. Like, thirty thousand pounds a year. And no taxes.

What would you say to Barack Obama, if you met him?

I’d ask him if he knows Tiger Woods. Because if he knows Tiger Woods, that means he likes to party. And if he likes to party, I’d wanna hook up with him and Tiger Woods, and bang a white chick.

If you could bang any political figure, who would it be?

I would probably just fuck Hillary Clinton in the ass. That would get her pretty straightened out.

Is it ever possible to be too un-politically correct?

No. And I’ll tell you why: obviously in America we’re more conservative than the rest of the world, and Steel Panther get more flack here than we do anywhere. We put out All You Can Eat [complete with ‘Last Supper’ album cover] and everyone was asking us in Europe, ‘What’s America think of it?’ And I’ve gotta tell you, America’s come a long way in that respect, it’s a lot less conservative.

Ever thought about doing a Steel Panther political/charity single?

The first thing I’d do it for is cancer, because my mum had cancer and I know how undetectable it can be. I go for a physical every six months just to make sure I don’t have it. It seems like, in America, they don’t know what the fuck to do with cancer, apart from zap you with chemotherapy. And y’know what else would be cool? I’d like to do a charity song for the common cold. There’s no cure for the common cold – there’s just stuff to treat your symptoms, which is bullshit.

How would you bring about world peace?

I think we’re doing it right now. When you get people at a Steel Panther show, they all feel comfortable. They don’t know each other, but they all have a common interest in heavy metal. Heavy metal brings them together, especially Steel Panther because we sing about shit that people think about but don’t really talk about. But when they all get together, they all can express themselves openly. And we have all kinds of races at our shows – every ethnic group you can think of, together in one room, and everyone gets along fine. I think heavy metal can bring world peace.

Polly is Features Editor at Classic Rock magazine, where she commissions regular pieces and longer reads (including new band coverage) and writes a few things. She also writes for Louder, Prog and Metal Hammer, and talks about songs on the 20 Minute Club podcast. In her spare time she writes fiction and cooks.