The Ultimate Checklist For Having The Best Ever Time At A Festival

A festival goer asleep or passed out on the floor

IT’S FESTIVAL SEASON!!! Summer starts here, as they say. But how do you make sure your weekend in a field goes down in history as the greatest three-to-five days of your life? Well we’ve got a 50-point plan for you to print and tick off as you go. Can you complete it all in one weekend? GO ON, WE DARE YOU!

▢ Buy a ticket… Otherwise you won’t be doing any of this WILL YOU?!
▢ Experience a fairground ride on a five beer minimum.
▢ Pose for a selfie with the most ‘wackily-dressed’ person you can find.
▢ Be so ‘wackily-dressed’ that people keep asking you to pose for a selfie with them.
▢ Purchase a crazy jester hat that you will only wear three days out of every year.
▢ Resist the urge to spend the whole day collecting empty beer cups… Seriously, who does that anyway?
▢ ‘Accidentally’ knock the guy filming all the bands’ phone into the mud.
▢ Sneak a bottle of spirits into the main arena in an old soft drink bottle. We’ve all done it!
▢ Concoct some exciting new meals with your leftover campsite food. Pasta shells in gravy? Pot Noodle sandwiches? Bon appetite!
▢ Get hit on the back by a flying bottle of urine… You don’t really have any say in doing this, but it’s gonna happen. Mark our words!
▢ Spend one day in fancy dress. Preferably as some sort of retro character from your youth. The Ultimate Warrior, Skeletor, Zippy from Rainbow… Any of these are fine.
▢ Spend at least an hour queueing up to charge your phone, so you can tweet about what a brilliant time you’re having.
▢ Have a campsite music battle with the nearest campers to you. If they insist on playing Arcade Fire at full volume, blast them with some Napalm Death until they relent.
▢ Ask a steward if you can wear their hi-vis jacket.
▢ Try to steal a steward’s hi-vis jacket.
▢ Give steward back his hi-vis jacket before you get kicked out. Just banter innit, mate!
▢ Shout ‘SLAAAAAAYYYYYYEEEERRRR!!’ at most passers by.
▢ High five the ones who shout ‘SLAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYEEEEERRRR!!’ back at you.
▢ Try and start a singalong with the whole campsite at 3am from inside your tent. May we suggest Bonnie Tyler’s classic power ballad Total Eclipse Of The Heart for the best chance of success.
▢ Set up a competitive beer bong league in your camp. With betting odds, ranking tables and the like. Serious shit!
▢ Point out to anyone offering free hugs that HUGS ARE FREE, YOU MORON!
▢ Lie back in the grass with the sun on your face and feel at one with the planet.
▢ Stand in the mud with the rain on your face and feel cold and miserable.
▢ Convince the person in the drinks queue in front of you to buy you a drink. Ladies, this should be a piece of piss for you, men are idiots!
▢ Go into the middle of a circle pit and vogue.
▢ Funky chicken into a wall of death.
▢ Find the most overpriced food stall and haggle (a-la Life Of Brian) with the person behind the counter.
▢ Find that guy playing his acoustic guitar in the campsite and deliberately sing out of tune to accompany his warbling. Only for one song mind. Don’t stifle his creativity, yeah?
▢ Start a circle pit at the furthest possible point back from the stage with, seemingly, disinterested punters. Once you start, they’ll join in. It’s like Field Of Dreams.
▢ Implore as many people as you can to ‘GET TO THE CHOPPER!’ And see if they follow you.
▢ Organise a mass shot with as many people as you can in memory of Dimebag.
▢ Have a dance-off in a circle with the most intimidating looking person you can find. We bet they’re a pussycat!
▢ Human pyramid. As big as you can round up. Anywhere. Anytime.
▢ Get someone to push you round in a shopping trolley for half an hour.
▢ Get a bum cheek signed by a famous person.
▢ Spot someone from a band on the bill out in the crowd. – they will be out there. Trust us.
▢ Try to remain in the portaloos on the last day for longer than a minute without vomiting.
▢ Put on a Jared Leto mask and wander backstage without a pass and then throw a diva strop when someone stops you.
▢ Ask the person at the noodle stall if the ingredients are organic and if you can have some information on nutritional value.
▢ Keep a tally of punters with Kiss face-paint to see which member is the most popular. Our money is not on the cat.
▢ See if you can hit the same note as Rob Halford’s highest one.
▢ Run through the legs of someone on stilts… Don’t knock them over though eh? Health and safety, innit.
▢ Use the public showers without getting someone else’s pubes on the soles of your feet. Harder than it might sound.
▢ Snog a wizard… Or the closest thing you can find to a wizard.
▢ Have a party inside your tent with a finger buffet and games and drinking… Mainly drinking.
▢ Wee someone else’s poo off of the side of the portaloo. Ewww! Gross!
▢ Make sure your tent is waterproof… Like, before you leave!
▢ If someone falls down pick em up.
▢ Be nice to everyone.
▢ Have a lovely time.