The Ultimate Checklist For Having The Best Ever Time At A Festival

A festival goer asleep or passed out on the floor

IT’S FESTIVAL SEASON!!! Summer starts here, as they say. But how do you make sure your weekend in a field goes down in history as the greatest three-to-five days of your life? Well we’ve got a 50-point plan for you to print and tick off as you go. Can you complete it all in one weekend? GO ON, WE DARE YOU!

▢ Buy a ticket… Otherwise you won’t be doing any of this WILL YOU?! ▢ Experience a fairground ride on a five beer minimum. ▢ Pose for a selfie with the most ‘wackily-dressed’ person you can find. ▢ Be so ‘wackily-dressed’ that people keep asking you to pose for a selfie with them. ▢ Purchase a crazy jester hat that you will only wear three days out of every year. ▢ Resist the urge to spend the whole day collecting empty beer cups… Seriously, who does that anyway? ▢ ‘Accidentally’ knock the guy filming all the bands’ phone into the mud. ▢ Sneak a bottle of spirits into the main arena in an old soft drink bottle. We’ve all done it! ▢ Concoct some exciting new meals with your leftover campsite food. Pasta shells in gravy? Pot Noodle sandwiches? Bon appetite! ▢ Get hit on the back by a flying bottle of urine… You don’t really have any say in doing this, but it’s gonna happen. Mark our words! ▢ Spend one day in fancy dress. Preferably as some sort of retro character from your youth. The Ultimate Warrior, Skeletor, Zippy from Rainbow… Any of these are fine. ▢ Spend at least an hour queueing up to charge your phone, so you can tweet about what a brilliant time you’re having. ▢ Have a campsite music battle with the nearest campers to you. If they insist on playing Arcade Fire at full volume, blast them with some Napalm Death until they relent. ▢ Ask a steward if you can wear their hi-vis jacket. ▢ Try to steal a steward’s hi-vis jacket. ▢ Give steward back his hi-vis jacket before you get kicked out. Just banter innit, mate! ▢ Shout ‘SLAAAAAAYYYYYYEEEERRRR!!’ at most passers by. ▢ High five the ones who shout ‘SLAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYEEEEERRRR!!’ back at you. ▢ Try and start a singalong with the whole campsite at 3am from inside your tent. May we suggest Bonnie Tyler’s classic power ballad Total Eclipse Of The Heart for the best chance of success. ▢ Set up a competitive beer bong league in your camp. With betting odds, ranking tables and the like. Serious shit! ▢ Point out to anyone offering free hugs that HUGS ARE FREE, YOU MORON! ▢ Lie back in the grass with the sun on your face and feel at one with the planet. ▢ Stand in the mud with the rain on your face and feel cold and miserable. ▢ Convince the person in the drinks queue in front of you to buy you a drink. Ladies, this should be a piece of piss for you, men are idiots! ▢ Go into the middle of a circle pit and vogue. ▢ Funky chicken into a wall of death. ▢ Find the most overpriced food stall and haggle (a-la Life Of Brian) with the person behind the counter. ▢ Find that guy playing his acoustic guitar in the campsite and deliberately sing out of tune to accompany his warbling. Only for one song mind. Don’t stifle his creativity, yeah? ▢ Start a circle pit at the furthest possible point back from the stage with, seemingly, disinterested punters. Once you start, they’ll join in. It’s like Field Of Dreams. ▢ Implore as many people as you can to ‘GET TO THE CHOPPER!’ And see if they follow you. ▢ Organise a mass shot with as many people as you can in memory of Dimebag. ▢ Have a dance-off in a circle with the most intimidating looking person you can find. We bet they’re a pussycat! ▢ Human pyramid. As big as you can round up. Anywhere. Anytime. ▢ Get someone to push you round in a shopping trolley for half an hour. ▢ Get a bum cheek signed by a famous person. ▢ Spot someone from a band on the bill out in the crowd. – they will be out there. Trust us. ▢ Try to remain in the portaloos on the last day for longer than a minute without vomiting. ▢ Put on a Jared Leto mask and wander backstage without a pass and then throw a diva strop when someone stops you. ▢ Ask the person at the noodle stall if the ingredients are organic and if you can have some information on nutritional value. ▢ Keep a tally of punters with Kiss face-paint to see which member is the most popular. Our money is not on the cat. ▢ See if you can hit the same note as Rob Halford’s highest one. ▢ Run through the legs of someone on stilts… Don’t knock them over though eh? Health and safety, innit. ▢ Use the public showers without getting someone else’s pubes on the soles of your feet. Harder than it might sound. ▢ Snog a wizard… Or the closest thing you can find to a wizard. ▢ Have a party inside your tent with a finger buffet and games and drinking… Mainly drinking. ▢ Wee someone else’s poo off of the side of the portaloo. Ewww! Gross! ▢ Make sure your tent is waterproof… Like, before you leave! ▢ If someone falls down pick em up. ▢ Be nice to everyone. ▢ Have a lovely time.